Are you planning a funeral wake, or attending one? No matter your role at this difficult time, we’ve got advice to help you navigate a wake and celebrate your loved one’s life in the most meaningful way…
Jump to section:
- Some important info: costs, do you need one, how much?
- How to organise a wake
- How to behave at a wake
- A note on being there for someone
Some important info
What is a wake?
A wake is a gathering that can take place before or after a funeral. At a traditional wake, you would visit the body of the person who has died before the funeral service begins. However, it’s now common for a wake to be more of a reception after the funeral; a chance to talk with loved ones, share memories, and support one another.
Do you have to have a wake?
No, you don’t have to host a wake. Like the funeral itself, it’s completely optional, but some prefer to organise one in order to get friends and family together before or after the funeral service. That said, if you don’t feel you want to, that’s completely fine as well. If you’re just unsure, weigh up the pros and cons, and don’t be pressured into doing anything you’re uncomfortable with.
How much does a wake cost?
The cost of a wake will vary depending on the venue you choose, the food and drink you serve, the decor you put up, and the number of people you decide to invite. To give you an idea, that the average ‘send-off cost’ in the UK in 2021 was £2,484. This includes the wake/memorial service and other ‘non-essential’ add-ons, such as catering and flowers.
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How to organise a wake or funeral reception
Decide who you’re going to invite:
First of all, ask yourself, do you want the wake to be public or private? If you prefer, you can keep it small and intimate by only asking your closest family and friends to attend a get-together in your home or at a restaurant.
You can also make it a bigger event by inviting everyone who attends the funeral, or perhaps keep the funeral small and ask people to come to the wake instead. Make a list of everyone you’d like to have there before you do anything else. Often, you can combine the funeral and wake guest lists into one.
Consider which wake venues suit your needs:
Next, decide how formal or informal you want your loved one’s wake to be, then choose a venue to fit the mood, as well as the expected headcount.
Some of the places you could consider include:
- The funeral home: a convenient choice that means you won’t have to make extra travel arrangements. This is especially appropriate if there will be a viewing at the wake.
- A house: your own, a relative’s, a friend’s, or the home of the person who has passed away.
- A pub, hotel or restaurant: ideal for a wake reception that takes place after the funeral. Some of these venues will allow you to hire out a room for privacy.
- A town hall, sports centre or community centre: these spaces are often available for last-minute bookings, and they’re ideal for a larger post-funeral wake.
Share details with friends and family:
Let friends and family know when and where the wake will take place. If it’s a large group, we recommend providing details with an invitation, via email, or using Facebook Events. This will save you the time and effort of reaching out to people individually, which can be an overwhelming task if the guestlist is particularly long.
However, if you’re hosting a small, intimate gathering, a quick, informal text message or phone call will do. Loved ones can also help you spread the word if you’re finding it difficult to speak to people.
Arrange for food and drinks to be served:
Food is optional at a wake, but it tends to be served more often than not, so think about the kinds of things your friends and family might enjoy. It doesn’t need to be a meal – just snacks/canapés and drinks are usually enough. You could cook yourself, but to save yourself the stress, we recommend asking a friend to help or hiring a caterer.
Many venues will already have catering options available – especially if you choose to have the wake at a restaurant, hotel or pub.
Add personal touches to commemorate them:
You may want to add personal touches to the venue decor.
Here are just some of the ways you can pay tribute to your loved one at a wake:
- Decorate the room with their favourite flowers or something that feels distinctly ‘them’. For example, you could put up memorabilia from their all-time best-loved sports team.
- Compile a playlist of your loved one’s favourite songs or funeral songs for background music. You could even arrange for live music if your budget and the venue allow.
- Place photos around the room of your loved one. If possible, you could include snaps of them with people who you know are attending the wake.
- Arrange a memory jar with pen and paper so guests can write down stories for you to keep. It might feel too difficult to read them right away, but one day you may be glad of all the memories.
- Create a slideshow or video that you could present at some point during the wake, or ask a creative friend to put something special together.
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How to behave at a wake
Maybe you’re not planning a wake, but instead attending your first one. If that’s the case, here’s some advice to help you get through the day…
Let loved ones know if you’re attending:
If you’re wondering whether you should attend the wake after a funeral, the simple answer is: it’s up to you.
It’s not compulsory, so if you have other commitments, you can politely excuse yourself. It’s respectful to let the person arranging the wake know whether or not you can attend – especially if they’re arranging food and drink.
Politely introduce yourself if needed:
If you don’t know many people at the wake, consider introducing yourself. This is common if the person who has died was, for example, a work friend whose family you never got to meet.
When the time feels right, say ‘hi’ to family and close friends and tell them how you know their loved one. It’s nice to offer your condolences, and you could even share a (tasteful!) memory or story.
If you’re really unsure what to say, check out our guide on what to say to someone grieving.
Come with a card and a small, meaningful gift:
Bringing a gift to a wake is not required, but it’s a kind and appreciated gesture. It doesn’t need to be big; a sympathy card, flowers, food or photos are thoughtful ways to commemorate the person who has died.
Donating to a charity they cared about is another touching tribute, or you could contribute to the funeral fund to show your support to the family.
Keep showing up after the funeral and wake:
Grief doesn’t end when the funeral is over. In fact, often, grief never ends. That’s why, if you feel able, it’s important to keep showing up for loved ones long after the last glass of wine has been served at the wake.
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A note on being there for others
Everyone’s experience of grief is unique, but one thing that we hear often is that many people disappear after the funeral. If you can, show your support to those grieving.
Here are some actions that have stayed with Untangle’s members:
“I have one very good friend who will just show up with coffee, or snacks, packed lunches, small little gifts, and say “I know you’re busy with school (first-semester nursing), but I wanted to drop this off for you.” And then she leaves bc she knows I need time alone. I thank God for her.” – Christine
“My friend and her now fiancé helped me tremendously with my yearly car inspection. I couldn’t do it without them.” – Najti
“Listened. My team at work helped carry the load for a year. They made me laugh yet listened to my stories of her. They also bought me a plant and a tree in her name. They let me be what I was when I was.” – Charity
“Cried with me, unashamedly. Made sure I ate something. Let me sleep in and took mum’s dog out for a walk for me. Listened and told me that everything I was feeling was normal and ok. FaceTimed me from out of the country to just tell me they’re here for me.” – Lissa
We hope with these tips you feel a little more prepared for a wake – no matter what side of the planning you’re on. For more advice, take a look at our guide on how to plan a funeral.
For more advice and to connect with others who share a similar experience of loss, download the Untangle Grief app.
