Here are some ideas for organising a memorial event to celebrate the life of someone you’ve lost.
By Hannah Jackson-McCamley, Funeral Celebrant
Hannah is an experienced celebrant who specialises in unique services that truly reflect the person that has died and the needs of those left behind. She is passionate about people, music, literature and travel and is training to be a psychotherapist.
What is a memorial ceremony?
While a memorial honours the life of a person who has died, it tends to be a much more joyful and uplifting event than a funeral.
The ceremony can be as simple or extravagant as you want. I’ve led very formal events, casual and relaxed ones. The tone is set by the person being remembered and the people attending.
Memorials don’t have to be expensive or involve lots of work. Always ask for help – many people like to be involved and show that they care.
Here are some ideas to think about (these might be useful for planning a funeral too):
Timing
Should the memorial coincide with unveiling their headstone, their internment or scattering of the ashes?
Consider specific dates, like a birthday or anniversary, or set a new date for marking their life every year.
Could you come together to plant a tree instead?
Is there a time of year that feels special? If you want to host the service outside, don’t let the weather ruin your plans!
Tone and structure
Think about what you want from the memorial. Was the funeral difficult, too formal or not reflective of your person? Did many people not make it?
Even a celebratory day can be emotional and you might feel extra pressure if you’re leading everything. Ask a confident friend or relative or engage a celebrant to help you lead the event instead.
Was the person you are commemorating quite formal, or more relaxed? Let this guide who you invite, tributes, music, dress code and venue.
Do you want a more formal memorial like a funeral, with a eulogy and tributes?
For a relaxed event, gather people together over drinks, dinner or a picnic.
Do something completely different – a hike, a road trip or a gig that your person would have liked. There is no right or wrong way to do this.
Venue and decorations
A memorial doesn’t need to be sombre – let your loved one’s personality guide you.
Hold it anywhere that feels meaningful – at home, in a garden or the woods, a favourite park, beach or restaurant.
Can you put up pictures and decorations in the venue, play music, make speeches or do a slideshow, with the privacy and time you need?
Decorate using their favourite colour or flags from their favourite sports team (avoid plastic and take your rubbish with you if you’re outdoors).
Speeches and tributes
Do you want speeches or tributes, prepared ahead of the ceremony or spontaneous?
Inviting different speakers can help build up a colourful picture of your person.
Tributes can include a short video, a photo slideshow, singing or live music, lighting candles, digging a hole for a tree together – be as creative as you like.
Create a picture wall, message board or memory book and invite people to contribute.
Rituals
Memorials tend to be non-religious, without prayers. Something simple like lighting candles, playing music or passing the urn at an internment can feel very poignant.
Create your own ritual – ask everyone to wear something that reminds them of your person or share an activity that feels meaningful, like cooking together, sewing a quilt, or singing.
Bring photo albums to help guests break the ice and share memories.
Music
Music is great for setting the tone. Create a playlist for when people arrive and after the ceremony, to accompany a slideshow or video, or for quiet reflection during the ceremony.
Choose music that brings you comfort and reflects the person you are honouring.
Music can tell a story; play tracks to chart your loved one’s life and explain the meaning afterwards.
Set up a shared online playlist and invite guests to contribute special tracks.
Invite talented guests to play music or sing – this can be a nice way for children to contribute.
Food and drink
UK receptions are often held in places serving alcohol. Decide if this feels right for your memorial.
Do you want a sit down meal, a buffet or canapés? Consider your budget and the tone. Could guests bring a dish that they or your person loved to share?
What food did your person love? If they loved desserts, why not just serve desserts – what a treat!
Afternoon tea can be a nice option, perhaps with bubbly as a toast?
For a picnic, ask everyone to bring their own food and drink.
Invitations
This isn’t a wedding so an email will do fine. You could include a picture of your person, plus:
Details about the ceremony, location, timings, parking/transportation, what to expect including tone and dress code, and any contributions towards food and drink, photos, messages and music for a shared playlist.
You can create simple designs and layouts using Canva.
Whatever you decide, the most important thing is to feel that you are memorialising your loved one in a meaningful way that brings you and your family comfort as you navigate life without them.
In the early days and weeks after a bereavement, the process of planning a funeral can feel quite overwhelming. There can be difficult decisions to make, including honouring the wishes of the person who has died, which type of funeral service to choose, and whether to opt for burial or cremation. It can help you know what to expect, so you can make decisions that are right for you and your family.
What are my options for planning a funeral?
You will have a choice between a religious or non-religious funeral service. Anyone can legally conduct a funeral or memorial service, although a member of the clergy will usually officiate a religious ceremony, and a civil celebrant will usually officiate a non-religious ceremony (also known as a humanist ceremony).
The funeral service is followed by either a burial or cremation. Often, the person who has died will have expressed a preference for one or the other when they were alive. If not, you may wish to abide by certain religious beliefs and cultural values to help you decide.
If you have a special place where you would prefer to remember your loved one, that may influence your decision on whether to choose a burial or cremation. With a burial, there is a grave to visit and maintain. After a cremation, the ashes are returned to the family for them to keep at home or scatter at a meaningful location.
What happens at a burial?
After the funeral service, the mourners will assemble at the graveside for the burial. The grave will be prepared and ready before you arrive. A short ceremony takes place, usually led by a religious leader or celebrant. It can involve readings and prayers at the graveside. When the time comes, the casket or coffin is lowered into the ground by nominated family bearers or funeral directors. Mourners are invited to throw flowers or scatter soil onto the coffin as a final goodbye. Some people might choose to stay at the graveside for quiet reflection after the ceremony.
What happens at a cremation?
A cremation is held at a designated crematorium. Sometimes the funeral service itself is held in the crematorium, or it can take place in a religious venue. You will arrive at the crematorium at your designated time slot, and as the service starts, sometimes you will follow behind the coffin to enter the chapel and take a seat.
The moment of taking the body away for cremation is called the committal. You will be asked beforehand whether you prefer curtains to be left open, or to close in front of the coffin as it is committed. Once the coffin is taken out of view, mourners are invited to view the flowers left in memory of the person who has died before going to attend a reception or gathering.
What can I expect when planning a funeral?
As you are in the very early days and weeks of coping with grief, it’s normal to feel apprehensive and overwhelmed at the thought of planning the funeral. Go easy on yourself during this time and spend some time preparing yourself emotionally.
Your chosen funeral director can guide and support you throughout the funeral planning, including advising of the options available within your budget. They can help make sure all the necessary paperwork is completed, provide appropriate transport to and from the funeral, arrange music for the ceremony, recommend and liaise with a florist, and much more.
Following a bereavement, the stress of planning a funeral can sometimes cause conflict between family members. It can help to resolve tensions by thinking about what the person who has died would have wanted and following any instructions in the Will. You could also get an impartial opinion from your funeral director, who will have experience in supporting grieving relatives.
What else do I need to know?
The estate of the deceased can cover the costs of the funeral. The person responsible for the estate administration (usually named in the Will) will have access to the funds once probate has been completed, a process that can take several months.
A funeral service is usually held within 2-3 weeks of death in the UK, but there can be some delay if a coroner’s inquest or post-mortem is ordered.
How can I give my loved one the best send-off?
Funerals can bring together distant relatives or friends not seen for years, and in some ways, it can be comforting to know that you have all come together for the same reason: to celebrate the life of the person you loved.
You can personalise the funeral service to reflect the tastes and personality of the person who has died. Maybe you could arrange for their favourite song to play or ask mourners to wear a bright colour instead of black.
The wake is an opportunity to celebrate the life of the person who has died; to raise a toast to them and share memories and stories. Some people like to display photographs around the venue or arrange a video slideshow of happy memories. You can plan the wake in any way you choose, and after the heaviness of the day, people are often ready to give the person who has died a good send-off.
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