The weeks, months and years after a loss can take us through so many challenging moments. Planning the funeral, arranging the wake, managing the estate – and, of course, grieving in the midst of it all. If your loved one has been cremated, the question of scattering ashes is yet another hard decision. Should you do it, and if so, where? When? How? With whom? The answers aren’t always straightforward.
So, to help you with scattering ashes (or not), we’ve compiled some of the guidelines to keep in mind, as well as a few ideas to make the moment even more meaningful…
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Do ashes have to be spread?
You don’t have to spread your loved one’s ashes. Some prefer to keep the ashes in an urn or another safe container, so do whatever feels right to you – there’s no wrong or right decision.
If you’re truly torn, you could even spread half of the ashes and keep the other half with you. It’s a big and difficult decision, so take as much time as you need. The answer will come.
Prepare for what the ashes will look like
It can be deeply upsetting to see your loved one’s ashes, not least because they might not look as you’d expect. What people don’t always tell you is there will likely be pieces of bone inside the container. That’s why we recommend you have someone with you when you open them for the first time.
You might also want to do this a few days before spreading the ashes, so you know what to expect. We also suggest you don’t touch the ashes with your bare hands, if possible. They can stick to your skin, so gloves are best if they need to be moved from one container to another.
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Can you scatter ashes anywhere?
You can scatter ashes almost anywhere. However, there are a number of laws and guidelines you should keep in mind, and these can vary from country to country. You should also double-check local laws before you settle on a place to spread ashes – your chosen spot will probably be fine, but it’s best to be completely sure.
Below, you’ll find some of the main rules you should know:
1. Ensure the executor of the will knows
It’s down to the executor of the will to ensure the person who has died has been laid to rest. If that’s not you, you’ll need their consent before you scatter the ashes. And, in the event that there is no will, it’s the next of kin’s responsibility. Keep communication open with the right people to make sure everyone knows what is happening.
2. There are different rules for private and public land
In the UK, the laws for scattering ashes are quite flexible, but public places – such as parks, beaches or tourist attractions – often have extra guidelines. For example, if your loved one wanted to be laid to rest at Stonehenge, you could only spread their ashes on the land around the stones, not in the inner Stone Circle.
Meanwhile, if you were taking the ashes to a garden or estate, there may be rules about the time of day or the areas you’re able to visit. Wherever you choose, Google ‘spreading ashes at [NAME OF PLACE]’ to see if there are specific guidelines you need to be aware of.
3. Scattering ashes at sea comes with its own set of rules
The ocean is a popular place to scatter ashes, and for good reason. There’s something poetic about watching your person’s ashes drift out to sea – especially if they loved the water. However, if you’ve chosen a spot that’s within five miles of the coast, the Environmental Agency asks that you stick to a few key rules. These include:
- Don’t scatter any non-biodegradable items with the ashes. For instance, personal items or plastic wreaths that may be harmful to wildlife.
- Spread ashes at a spot far from buildings and where people swim or fish.
- Spread the ashes as close to the water surface as possible.
- Avoid windy days so the ashes don’t blow about and affect people living or working nearby.
9 ideas for scattering ashes
1. Pick their favourite place
You can probably picture it now. If your loved one had a favourite place, and it’s possible to get to, consider scattering their ashes there. There are few better tributes than laying someone to rest in the spot where they spent their best moments.
2. Or choose numerous places
If you just can’t land on one perfect place, you could scatter your loved one’s ashes across the globe. Choose various spots to spread their ashes, whether you head to favourite holiday destinations or different places they lived over the years.
3. Create a garden tribute
The garden is a beautiful spot to scatter your person’s ashes. It’s close to home, and you can decorate the resting place however you please. We recommend raking the ashes into the soil or burying them in a biodegradable urn. Then plant their favourite flowers, arrange ornaments or maybe even place a bench nearby.
4. Choose a meaningful date
You can keep hold of the ashes for as long as you like, so if you want to, you can wait for a special date to do the scattering. Perhaps it could be on your person’s birthday or an anniversary that meant something to you both. It could even form part of memorialising them on a death anniversary.
5. Prepare a speech
If you’re scattering your loved one’s ashes as a group, it could be nice to prepare a speech. Just a few words or a heartfelt reading – or even a funny story – to bring a sense of ceremony to the day.
6. Take it in turns
Make others feel involved by taking turns scattering the ashes. This way, everyone gets their chance to say their own goodbye. These kinds of rituals can also make you feel closer to one another; you’re in it together to share support and pay tribute to someone you all love.
7. Play some music
When the time comes to scatter the ashes, some music can be comforting. Depending on where you’re spreading them, take some mini speakers with you and play some of your loved one’s favourite songs.
8. Scatter flowers with the ashes
If you’re spreading your loved one’s ashes on the water or scattering them into the wind, you could also add flower petals with a symbolic meaning behind them.
Some of the most popular flowers to scatter are:
- Red roses – for true love
- Yellow roses – for friendship
- Anemones – for unfading love
- Daffodils – for respect
- Purple tulips – for forever love
Or you could simply go with their favourite flavours, whatever they may be. Some have even scattered wildflower seeds with ashes so that their love can continue to grow.
9. Make a day of it
After you’ve finished scattering your loved one’s ashes, and you’ve made your loving tributes, you may want nothing more than to go home and process the day. That said, if there’s time, you could always turn it into a full day out with those closest to you. Visit other places that meant something to you both, or maybe go to their favourite restaurant and raise a glass in their honour.
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Scattering ashes: your stories
We’re so grateful to everyone who shares their stories in the Untangle community. Grief can be so isolating, but by connecting with others who relate, the most difficult times in life can feel a little less lonely.
Some of our members have been talking about how they paid tribute to their loved ones when they scattered their ashes. Here are just a few of the touching posts we’ve seen…
“It was a standing joke between my husband & I that if he died before me I should bury him in the garden. So on the 1st anniversary of his cremation 12th May 2022, I was having my garden repaved so I sprinkled his ashes under the new paving slabs. So he finally got his wish to be buried in the garden. It was a very sad moment for me, but at least every year I can raise a toast to celebrate his life knowing he is right there with me.” – Lez
“Went on 30th April 22 with Kevin’s family to Scarborough to scatter his ashes. Never understood why people wanted ashes but now I have a small amount in a little decorative jar. When the hibiscus that I planted for him flowers, I will put a little of the ashes under it. The rest I’ll keep. I hold the jar close to my heart every day. Experience helps us to understand individual needs.” – Tom
“So I picked up mum’s ashes today, and I felt weirdly happy. Maybe happy not being the right word but relief or a sense of peace, or a knowing it was the right thing to do. I drove her to my stepdad’s and put one of her favourite songs on and sang. Maybe I will crumble later, but today I feel a sense of calm.” – Tara
We hope with these tips you feel a little more prepared for scattering ashes. Do let us know if you have any questions.
