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We’re all in this terrible club together.
Losing both of your parents, no matter what age you are, can be painful and scary. You may find that your family structure has suddenly changed and the people you’ve depended on for years aren’t there any more to support you. It can be exposing, vulnerable and lonely.
If you’ve heard terms like ‘adult orphan’, ‘double parental bereavement’ or ‘double parental loss’ being used to describe your situation, you may be wondering what this all actually means. ‘Adult orphan’ is not a term we usually like to use at Untangle, but we understand that you may have some questions around it. So we’ve put together a guide to help make things a little easier and less confusing. In this guide we’ll look into answering important questions like:
- Can an adult be an orphan?
- What does orphan syndrome in adults look like?
- What does becoming an orphan in your 20s, 40s, 50s and beyond feel like?
Our work at Untangle means that we’ve seen up close how there’s no universal way to experience grief. Going through something as defining and unique as losing both of your parents can be a very lonely thing to experience. You may have a partner, children or you may be surrounded by friends and family, but when both of your parents die, it’s very normal to feel a sudden and strong sense of loneliness.
Don’t forget, you’re not alone. In this guide we’ve added in a few ways to help you manage your grief and get through the hardest days, but if you’re looking to talk to people who are going through similar experiences, join our community here.
Can an adult be an orphan?
Yes. An adult can be an orphan.
When you think of an orphan, you’ll probably be thinking of someone under the age of 18 who has lost both of their parents. An adult, with real-life responsibilities like paying bills or having a full-time job or even having kids of their own, may not be the first image that comes to mind.
In Emily Dean’s article ‘Things you only know if you’re an adult orphan’ she talks about how the word ‘orphan’ just feels strange when it’s used by an adult. As she says, “Orphans have tight, red 1970s perms and kindly wealthy benefactors. They don’t have mortgages and powerful anti-ageing creams”.
While the textbook definition of an orphan is a child who has lost both parents, adults can be considered orphans too. The word orphan has expanded broadly over time, so it can be used to describe anyone who has lost their biological parents.
The term ‘adult orphan’ is commonly used to describe someone who has lost both parents in adulthood.
What is orphan syndrome?
Orphan syndrome is a psychological condition that can come from losing one or both parents. It’s not always caused by something physical, like your mum or dad (or both parents) dying, it can also be caused by an emotional loss of parents that comes through neglect or abandonment.
Orphan syndrome is sometimes known as ‘abandoned child syndrome’ when it’s seen in children.
What does orphan syndrome in adults look like?
Orphan syndrome in adults is a type of anxiety. It can look different for everyone and it comes in many shapes and sizes. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to experience grief; grief can turn your world upside down, and it can impact our lives in very different ways.
Here are a few common signs of orphan syndrome in both adults and children:
- A fear of being abandoned
- Anxiety or panic when a friend or family member leaves for a period of time
- Fear of being alone
- Low self-esteem
People experiencing grief that’s caused by double parental loss, sometimes talk about something called ‘grief brain’. ‘Grief brain’ is what happens to your brain when you’re overloaded with feelings like sadness, loneliness and grief. It can affect your memory and concentration and lead to sleeping difficulties, anxiety and even migraines.
It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and lonely after losing both of your parents. If you’re looking for support to help you through it, or to connect with people experiencing something similar, you can join our wonderful and supportive community here.
What does becoming an orphan in your 20s, 40s, 50s and beyond feel like?
It can make you question your identity
Experiencing the loss of one parent is incredibly painful no matter what age you are, but going through double parental loss as an adult can bring on entirely new feelings of grief. Some people say that it causes a sudden questioning of your identity and your own mortality.
Caron Kemp lost both of her parents by the time she was 36. In an article written for Cosmopolitan, Caron describes the impact that losing both parents and becoming an ‘adult orphan’ had on her sense of identity.
“I lost my identity as someone’s daughter, I lost the family and friends only connected to me through them, and I lost anything standing in the pecking order between me and my own demise”.
It can bring up old, buried feelings of grief
Losing both parents as an adult can also trigger feelings of grief you thought were behind you, and this can sometimes be latent grief for the first parent you lost.
It’s a very human reaction to keep yourself busy after experiencing a significant loss, like the death of a parent. People often find that there’s so much going on and plenty of welcome distractions at first. Organising the funeral, notifying friends and family, sorting out their estate and will. The list goes on.
But once the dust settles, you may find you have more time to think about what’s happened, and that’s when we often see the grief start to sink in. It’s at this point that we see the loss of a second parent uncover feelings of grief for the loss of the first parent. These are often feelings that people may have thought they’d put behind them.
If you’re grieving the loss of one or both parents, you can chat to our team of experts for advice and grief support by joining our community here.
It can make you feel lonely and that’s very normal
Our work at Untangle has shown us how people who have lost one parent often find support in others who have been through something similar. But people who have lost both parents can often feel very lonely and isolated.
Double parental loss changes your familial status, and this can be particularly isolating if you find yourself as an ‘adult orphan’ early in your adult life.
Joel Golby wrote for the Guardian of his experience becoming an orphaned adult in his 20s, saying “instances of grief, I have found, are unique, two never coming in the same shape. There is no one single catch-all solution.”
There’s often an assumption that once you’ve dealt with grief once, you’ll know how it feels and understand how it works. You’ll have a list of tools and strategies and a support system to rely on. But each time you experience grief can actually feel very different from the other experiences you have.
How to cope with the loss of both parents?
Coping with the loss of both parents is an incredibly difficult thing to go through. There’s no magic fix to help get rid of the pain and sadness that can come from being an orphaned adult. For some people, the grief of losing both parents comes as a shock. For others, it’s a slow and overwhelming realisation that things have changed.
“The loss of a second parent can mean the loss of the home you grew up in. It could mean the loss of rituals that have lasted a lifetime, the loss of habits and practises that have lasted for decades,” said Bella DePaulo, a social science researcher at the University of California at Santa Barbara who has written about the resulting loss when parents die.
We’ve put together a few ways to help you cope with double parental loss – it won’t take away the grief, but it’ll hopefully make things a bit easier.
Make time for your grief – your grief matters
Try not to dismiss your feelings or minimise your loss by telling yourself that your parents ‘had a good run’ or ‘it was their time to go’. These are often things we tell ourselves (or others) to help make death seem like a natural part of life. And while it may be true, sometimes saying things like this can undermine our very real feelings.
Make time for your grief, whether you’ve lost your parents in your 20s or 60s. There’s a lot to take in and it’ll take some time for you to adapt.
Find ways to stay connected to your parents and to celebrate their lives
We’ve seen members of our community stay bonded to their parents through doing small things like supporting their parent’s favourite charity, making their favourite meal once a week, or visiting their favourite restaurant.
Take time to listen to the music they loved, put up photographs of your parents around your house, bake a cake to celebrate their birthday and don’t be afraid to talk to family and friends about what they were like. Don’t forget, your loved ones want to support you through this grief, and you won’t be burdening them by opening up.
Be kind to yourself
Grief can manifest itself in physical and emotional ways; taking time to connect with both your body and what’s going on in your mind, is important. Try to move every day – whether it’s a walk, yoga, a run or even dancing in your room with the curtains closed. Practise self-compassion and kindness and celebrate the small wins in life.
Find a community that understands what you’re going through
No matter how hard your friends and family try to support you, becoming an orphan in adulthood is something that’s incredibly hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it themselves. Find a community of people who have gone through this too, so you can turn to them for support when you need it. Reach out to people you know from your friendship group or work who have recently lost a second parent, meet them for coffee and talk to them about how you feel.
There are also safe spaces on Instagram, like Orphan_ish and our own page, which both aim to normalise conversations around grief and loss. And of course, there’s our wonderful and supportive Untangle community where you can chat with people going through similar experiences and reach out for expert help.
