struggling with grief | Untangle Grief

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We’re all in this terrible club together.

Losing both of your parents, no matter what age you are, can be painful and scary. You may find that your family structure has suddenly changed and the people you’ve depended on for years aren’t there any more to support you. It can be exposing, vulnerable and lonely.

If you’ve heard terms like ‘adult orphan’, ‘double parental bereavement’ or ‘double parental loss’ being used to describe your situation, you may be wondering what this all actually means. ‘Adult orphan’ is not a term we usually like to use at Untangle, but we understand that you may have some questions around it. So we’ve put together a guide to help make things a little easier and less confusing. In this guide we’ll look into answering important questions like:

Our work at Untangle means that we’ve seen up close how there’s no universal way to experience grief. Going through something as defining and unique as losing both of your parents can be a very lonely thing to experience. You may have a partner, children or you may be surrounded by friends and family, but when both of your parents die, it’s very normal to feel a sudden and strong sense of loneliness.

Don’t forget, you’re not alone. In this guide we’ve added in a few ways to help you manage your grief and get through the hardest days, but if you’re looking to talk to people who are going through similar experiences, join our community here.

Can an adult be an orphan?

When you think of an orphan, you’ll probably be thinking of someone under the age of 18 who has lost both of their parents. An adult, with real-life responsibilities like paying bills or having a full-time job or even having kids of their own, may not be the first image that comes to mind.

In Emily Dean’s article ‘Things you only know if you’re an adult orphan’ she talks about how the word ‘orphan’ just feels strange when it’s used by an adult. As she says, “Orphans have tight, red 1970s perms and kindly wealthy benefactors. They don’t have mortgages and powerful anti-ageing creams”.

While the textbook definition of an orphan is a child who has lost both parents, adults can be considered orphans too. The word orphan has expanded broadly over time, so it can be used to describe anyone who has lost their biological parents.

The term ‘adult orphan’ is commonly used to describe someone who has lost both parents in adulthood.

What is orphan syndrome?

Orphan syndrome is a psychological condition that can come from losing one or both parents. It’s not always caused by something physical, like your mum or dad (or both parents) dying, it can also be caused by an emotional loss of parents that comes through neglect or abandonment.

Orphan syndrome is sometimes known as ‘abandoned child syndrome’ when it’s seen in children.

What does orphan syndrome in adults look like?

Orphan syndrome in adults is a type of anxiety. It can look different for everyone and it comes in many shapes and sizes. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to experience grief; grief can turn your world upside down, and it can impact our lives in very different ways.

People experiencing grief that’s caused by double parental loss, sometimes talk about something called ‘grief brain’. ‘Grief brain’ is what happens to your brain when you’re overloaded with feelings like sadness, loneliness and grief. It can affect your memory and concentration and lead to sleeping difficulties, anxiety and even migraines.

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and lonely after losing both of your parents. If you’re looking for support to help you through it, or to connect with people experiencing something similar, you can join our wonderful and supportive community here.

What does becoming an orphan in your 20s, 40s, 50s and beyond feel like?

Experiencing the loss of one parent is incredibly painful no matter what age you are, but going through double parental loss as an adult can bring on entirely new feelings of grief. Some people say that it causes a sudden questioning of your identity and your own mortality.

Caron Kemp lost both of her parents by the time she was 36. In an article written for Cosmopolitan, Caron describes the impact that losing both parents and becoming an ‘adult orphan’ had on her sense of identity.

“I lost my identity as someone’s daughter, I lost the family and friends only connected to me through them, and I lost anything standing in the pecking order between me and my own demise”.

Losing both parents as an adult can also trigger feelings of grief you thought were behind you, and this can sometimes be latent grief for the first parent you lost.

It’s a very human reaction to keep yourself busy after experiencing a significant loss, like the death of a parent. People often find that there’s so much going on and plenty of welcome distractions at first. Organising the funeral, notifying friends and family, sorting out their estate and will. The list goes on.

But once the dust settles, you may find you have more time to think about what’s happened, and that’s when we often see the grief start to sink in. It’s at this point that we see the loss of a second parent uncover feelings of grief for the loss of the first parent. These are often feelings that people may have thought they’d put behind them.

If you’re grieving the loss of one or both parents, you can chat to our team of experts for advice and grief support by joining our community here.

Our work at Untangle has shown us how people who have lost one parent often find support in others who have been through something similar. But people who have lost both parents can often feel very lonely and isolated.

Double parental loss changes your familial status, and this can be particularly isolating if you find yourself as an ‘adult orphan’ early in your adult life.

Joel Golby wrote for the Guardian of his experience becoming an orphaned adult in his 20s, saying “instances of grief, I have found, are unique, two never coming in the same shape. There is no one single catch-all solution.”

There’s often an assumption that once you’ve dealt with grief once, you’ll know how it feels and understand how it works. You’ll have a list of tools and strategies and a support system to rely on. But each time you experience grief can actually feel very different from the other experiences you have.

How to cope with the loss of both parents?

Coping with the loss of both parents is an incredibly difficult thing to go through. There’s no magic fix to help get rid of the pain and sadness that can come from being an orphaned adult. For some people, the grief of losing both parents comes as a shock. For others, it’s a slow and overwhelming realisation that things have changed.

“The loss of a second parent can mean the loss of the home you grew up in. It could mean the loss of rituals that have lasted a lifetime, the loss of habits and practises that have lasted for decades,” said Bella DePaulo, a social science researcher at the University of California at Santa Barbara who has written about the resulting loss when parents die.

We’ve put together a few ways to help you cope with double parental loss – it won’t take away the grief, but it’ll hopefully make things a bit easier.

Try not to dismiss your feelings or minimise your loss by telling yourself that your parents ‘had a good run’ or ‘it was their time to go’. These are often things we tell ourselves (or others) to help make death seem like a natural part of life. And while it may be true, sometimes saying things like this can undermine our very real feelings.

Make time for your grief, whether you’ve lost your parents in your 20s or 60s. There’s a lot to take in and it’ll take some time for you to adapt.

We’ve seen members of our community stay bonded to their parents through doing small things like supporting their parent’s favourite charity, making their favourite meal once a week, or visiting their favourite restaurant.

Take time to listen to the music they loved, put up photographs of your parents around your house, bake a cake to celebrate their birthday and don’t be afraid to talk to family and friends about what they were like. Don’t forget, your loved ones want to support you through this grief, and you won’t be burdening them by opening up.

Grief can manifest itself in physical and emotional ways; taking time to connect with both your body and what’s going on in your mind, is important. Try to move every day – whether it’s a walk, yoga, a run or even dancing in your room with the curtains closed. Practise self-compassion and kindness and celebrate the small wins in life.

No matter how hard your friends and family try to support you, becoming an orphan in adulthood is something that’s incredibly hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it themselves. Find a community of people who have gone through this too, so you can turn to them for support when you need it. Reach out to people you know from your friendship group or work who have recently lost a second parent, meet them for coffee and talk to them about how you feel.

Grief carries a unique weight when it strikes at a young age—a lesson I learned when I lost my mother when I was 26. When grief hits when you are only just entering adulthood, it can feel like the abrupt end to childhood, a loss that profoundly alters your perception of life, death, relationships, and your own identity.

Of course, everyone’s life milestones look markedly different and are distinctly one’s own. Nobody reading this needs to be told that a definitive grief manual is unattainable, and there’s no neat series of boxes in which to divide the parts of life. There are, however, some experiences that many people will navigate or aspire to at some point: Gaining independence, falling in love, finding a career, navigating friendships, getting married and having children. And for young grievers, these are likely undergone without the person they want most by their side.

Quarter-Life Grief

What I didn’t understand when my mother was diagnosed with cancer was that grief begins at diagnosis. During her illness, I seemed like any other young person, but internally, I was in turmoil. In the weeks leading up to her death, my mother suggested something that would forever change my grief journey—she told me to find a support group for young people after she died. Intuitively, I knew this was what I needed.

The support groups I found were understandably populated by those in the middle and later stages of their lives. As bereaved people, we did share emotions and experiences, but I felt I was facing issues closely related to my particular stage in life, which were distinct from the challenges faced by middle-aged people. The premature death of a parent feels like a theft, both of the loved one and of the future you imagined with them. This is why a generic adult support group can be unappealing: older people are mourning a shared life, while a young person is mourning a future lost. If you’re surrounded by people who haven’t had the same experience, you may feel misunderstood, leading to internalised distress and feeling even more abnormal.

Quarter-life grievers find themselves within a unique cultural context. When my mum died, like many other quarter-life grievers I’ve met, I was woefully unprepared to handle it. Emerging adulthood is already a stage of life marked by instability—grief is a deeply destabilising experience, so when you experience it young, it deepens the feeling of being lost and disorientated. Your expectations and aspirations for life drastically and indefinitely change, creating a formative split in your identity – the ‘you’ before grief and the ‘you’ after. This grief becomes part of your developmental experience, shaping your identity, decisions, and adulthood. That’s why each unchartered juncture can feel tumultuous for those who have lost a loved one early in life.

Gaining independence

Whether it’s leaving school, moving away for university or reaching legal ‘adulthood’, the first taste of independence can be equally thrilling and disorienting. For many young people, this is a time to discover a new identity and experiment with going out, drinking for the first time, and making new groups of friends. It can be hedonistic before a young person finds their own limits and preferences in terms of independence. But your relationship with the ‘hedonism’ of independence can be complicated by grief.

Strobe and Schut’s modern “dual process” grief model suggests there are times when a griever needs a break from the grieving process. Recent mourners must find a balance between dedicating time to grieving and allowing themselves to rest. For those in quarter-life, the challenge lies in distinguishing whether drinking and partying serve as coping mechanisms that mask grief or if they genuinely offer some respite from it. It can help to be gentle with yourself and recognise what you’re experiencing is nuanced. Your grief isn’t black and white and cannot be categorised as either ‘coping’ or ‘not coping’. Taking time off from grief, regardless of the form it takes, is not disrespectful or inappropriate, whether this manifests in drinking, casual relationships, partying or abstaining from these activities altogether.

First Love

Intimacy and relationships are aspects of young adult life that can already be sources of insecurity, and how grief layers over that terrain is unique for every individual. I often hear stories of how physical intimacy can be a relief. Sex is so immersive that it can wash away the numbness of grief, the physicality of it pinning you to the present moment when the rest of your life feels adrift. For others, it is not so straightforward.

For those I spoke to for my book, in new romances, deciding when to reveal their grief and not knowing how the other person would respond was always a live question. In long-term relationships, grief could raise existing fault lines or show that the partner in question wasn’t emotionally supportive. Meeting someone’s family for the first time could be a very present, very visual reminder that their partner’s ‘unit’ was complete (or ‘normal’) and theirs was not. Coming to terms with their sexuality when they had no opportunity to tell their loved one was complicated. Some young grievers reported seeking new relationships to fill the gap, sometimes leading to unhealthy relationships where the new partner took advantage of their vulnerability. Quarter-life grief asks us to become independent from someone we depended on before we are ready. While that independence can become positive self-sufficiency, it can also easily tip into hyper-independence, a common trauma coping mechanism that isolates us from new attachments.

Launching a career

Grief is excellent at warping time. Fresh grief is particularly good at melting the rigidity of a calendar month. For that reason, a recently bereaved person may either enjoy the structure of work, which allows them to feel the rhythms of normality, or they may seek the opposite: to take the time to get their bearings again when their world has capsized. Society is not structured to facilitate that need. Bereavement leave is next to non-existent on a global scale. Australia and Brazil grant grieving workers two days of paid leave; Canada, two days unpaid; China, France, New Zealand, and South Africa, up to three days paid. Workers have no legal right to compassionate leave in the United States. Similarly, in the United Kingdom, compassionate leave has no statutory footing, with the single (and recent) exception of two weeks’ leave for parents who have lost a child.

Young grievers are unlikely to have the experience to assert their wish for time off or bargain for more than what is offered under company policy, if anything is offered at all. They are less likely to have any savings to draw on to take any unpaid leave or a short sabbatical from work. And at the start of your career, any gaps in your CV can risk denting later prospects or slowing progress when other people of the same age are focused on progressing as quickly as possible.

Speaking to young grievers, many talked about their shifting priorities. Instead of chasing promotions, they felt they could only focus on getting through the day. Finding a fulfilling line of work was less of a priority than finding positions that offered flexibility and understanding. On the other hand, some young grievers I spoke to found that they coped by channelling all their energy into work – but eventually realised this had stopped them from processing their grief, and they still needed to try to face it head-on years down the line.

Navigating friendships

Our friendships naturally fluctuate over time, particularly in early adulthood. Many people experience the waxing and waning of different relationships. In today’s culture, friendship can be even more complex for young people. There’s an observation that in an age of constant online connection, interpersonal connections are weaker than ever. The loneliness epidemic in young people has been compounded by pandemic lockdowns and social media.

On top of a demographic shift towards loneliness, young grievers face barriers in receiving support from their friends due to ongoing taboos and misunderstandings around grief. The UK Bereavement Commission found that almost half (46 per cent) of their respondents had no support from their friends after bereavement. This is a staggering and deeply saddening figure. While some respondents cited their wish not to burden others as a reason for not seeking help, others cited the deep discomfort they perceived in others when talking about death and dying.

Many described feeling ‘misunderstood, avoided, and abandoned’ by friends in the months and years following a bereavement, or simply that their friends had no idea how to support them, even when they wanted to. There was a particular stigma around certain types of death, such as suicide and COVID-19. Insensitive comments and the expectation that the bereaved would move on within a set amount of time heightened their sense of isolation.

All of this implies that today’s young grievers have an increased likelihood of experiencing acute isolation in grief. With this in mind, it becomes clear how significant a role friends play in the support a young griever might receive. ‘The biggest predictor of your outcome when grieving is the love and support of others,’ says Julia Samuel. Your path to healing in grief should be paved with people – those who care about you and whom you trust in all areas of your life. When a loved one dies, it’s the love of others that gives you the strength to navigate through grief.

Getting married and having children

As a society, we are well past the era when getting married and having kids were universal aspirations or norms. Despite this, many of us grow up imagining what these moments might look like for us, just as we dream about our future careers and achievements. When you lose someone, those yet-to-be-realised images are drastically altered. I felt that on one hand, getting married and having children would recreate the cosy family unit I grew up in and subsequently lost when my mother died. If I have children, parts of my mother will live on through her DNA. Perhaps my daughter would even inherit my mother’s characteristics. On the other hand, I feel terrified to take that step into parenting without my mother there to guide me.

When I speak to young people who have lost someone, this is one of their most common regrets: that their parent, sibling or friend won’t be able to give a speech at their wedding, become a grandparent, aunt, uncle or godparent, or become a parent themselves. Young grievers begin to understand that, instead of being moments of unadulterated happiness in our worlds, these maturational events and major life transitions will inevitably be undercut by a sense of sadness and loss. And there are more milestones to come, down the line: turning the age of the person who died, or becoming a grandparent when your parent wasn’t afforded the same opportunity. I spoke to plenty of people who had lived with their young grief for decades, who were still finding new ways of experiencing it even as they reached retirement.

That these bittersweet feelings can underlie life’s biggest milestones (and even smaller everyday moments) is something often only understood by other people who experienced loss at a young age. It is something many of my non-bereaved friends fail to think about – even how big, happy achievements can feel sad as I cannot share them with my mum. Finding a community of people who really get it can help you feel less alone and more understood, something I’ve found hugely comforting.

Rachel Wilson is the founder of The Grief Network, a community operated by and for young bereaved people established after Rachel’s mother died when she was in her twenties.

In her first book, Losing Young: How to Grieve When Your Life is Just Beginning, Rachel weaves together other tales of bereavement with her own. She encounters individuals who’ve lost parents, siblings, partners, and friends at a young age. Talking to people who at a young age have lost parents, siblings, partners and friends, she explores how grief interacts with key milestones: what it’s like to fall in love, land your first job or become a parent without your ‘person’ by your side. Losing Young also draws on psychological research, interviews with titans like Julia Samuel and explorations of grief in history to understand why, culturally, we are so ill-equipped to deal with grief.

It is a personal and profound book about what happens when youth is reshaped by tragedy, trauma and loss. It’s for anyone who wants to understand what a young loved one is going through, who is struggling to rediscover themselves after grief, or hopes to feel less alone.

Pre-order your copy of Losing Young here.

To meet others who share a similar experience of loss, as well as access to 30+ support groups, get the Untangle app.
We’re all in this terrible club together.

‘How long does grief last?’ It’s a question we often hear in the early days of a bereavement, when the future feels uncertain and you’re not sure what to expect from the journey ahead. Here, we talk about the importance of not setting timelines as you go through your grief, and why everyone’s experience is unique.

So, how long does grief last?

The truth is, it’s different for everyone. There is no timeline for grief and, unfortunately, it doesn’t have an expiry date. It simply takes as long as it takes. What’s important is that you give yourself time to experience loss in your own way, without setting expectations or timelines, or feeling frustrated that it’s taking longer than you hoped.

Every loss is different, and how you process your grief is unique to you. That’s why, while some may start to feel better within weeks, others could find it takes months or years. Many of us at Untangle have come to realise that our grief will never fully go away, but that our day-to-day lives have become more manageable as time has gone on.

It reminds us of Lois Tonkin’s theory that grief stays with us, but our life grows around that loss. It’s always there and it’s always the same size, but slowly you rebuild your world around it. How that grief presents itself can change, too. While, in the early days, it might be a very physical experience, later on it might be more emotional, but without the brain fog or exhaustion you felt at first. Usually, these feelings come in waves that hit stronger on some days, and gentler on others. Roll with them, knowing that a calmer tide is on the horizon, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

What are the seven stages of grief after death?

How long does each stage of grief last?

The idea was first introduced as five stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, before ‘shock and denial’ and ‘acceptance’ were later added on. But we’ll be honest: at Untangle, we see these stages as something of a myth. While you might experience all of the symptoms above, the idea of a ‘checklist’ or a ‘correct’ way to grieve ignores how unique the grieving process is.

However, if you do go through these stages, know that the timing is different for everyone. Some of them may be fleeting, some may come and go, and some you may never feel at all. While these stages have often been interpreted as being in a set order, Kübler-Ross made it clear in her writing that they are not linear.

Check out our extensive guide to the stages of grief, including what to expect and how to cope.

What does grief do to your body?

Grieving isn’t just an emotional process. It can be surprisingly physical too, leaving you exhausted, achy, restless and even with cold or flu-like symptoms. Your mind and body are run down and burnt out, and you might feel that way for weeks or even months. It’s one of many reasons why taking a break is needed in those early stages of a bereavement.

How long does grief fatigue last?

We wish we could tell you that it’s ending soon, but like all stages of grief, it takes as long as it takes to get over grief fatigue. Not only is your mind in overdrive and your body coping with a trauma, but you might also be suffering from insomnia, which adds to the exhaustion. Our advice is always patience, but if you feel that grief fatigue is lasting too long for you (not for someone else), you can speak to a doctor about ways to improve your sleep or energy levels. They might be able to offer suggestions on establishing a new sleep pattern, or vitamins to take that will support your body during this difficult time.

How long does grief brain fog last?

Brain fog is an all too common (and often frustrating) symptom of grief, but try not to be hard on yourself if you find you’re more forgetful in the first weeks or months after a loved one dies. There’s a lot of new information for your brain to process, both in terms of the actual loss and shock, and in terms of any difficult ‘death admin’ you may have to do. Where possible, lean on the help of others for the admin side of things. (Reading our ‘What to do when someone dies’ complete guide may help also.) The brain fog should start to clear with time, as you overcome the shock.

How long does pet grief last?

Pets are family, so when they pass away, the loss is heartbreaking – whether it’s a dog, a cat or another beloved animal. You haven’t just lost a loved one, but often a sense of routine that was built around caring for your pet. And, to make it harder, not everyone will always understand this kind of grief if they’ve not been through it.

Scientific American says that, after the loss of a pet, acute grief can last two months, with symptoms of grief persisting up to a full year (on average). But, again, we recommend you never put a timeline on your feelings. We at Untangle have experienced this kind of grief, and know how hard it is to adjust to life without your pet. This is your reminder to not bottle up your feelings, and to find people who understand what you’re going through. One day you’ll be able to reflect on all your pet’s funny, unique quirks with a smile.

Does grief last forever?

It can – and that’s okay. Grief may stay with you forever, but it won’t always feel as hard or all-consuming as it does right now. In the future, you might find that it’s triggered by a birthday or an anniversary – or just an unexpected memory. But the days in between will start to feel normal again, and missing your loved one will be more manageable. Some things that can help you on this journey include:

Speaking to HR or a trusted manager at work. Returning to work after a bereavement can be difficult, so it’s important you get the support you need.

A note on complicated grief

Feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness are common when grieving. However, you may be dealing with complicated grief if you:

Complicated grief is an ongoing state of mourning that will often be debilitating, but there are ways to find happiness in your life again. It’s important that you speak to a loved one or a doctor, who will be able to help you access the support you need, whether that’s individual therapy or medicine. You don’t have to struggle alone.

If you want to share how you’re feeling, ask questions to others who have lost or simply read their stories, head on over to the Untangle community via the Untangle Grief app.

To meet others who share a similar experience of loss, including access to over 25+ support spaces, download the Untangle app.
We’re all in this terrible club together.

The late bell hooks knew that where there is grief, there is powerful, enduring love. “In its deepest sense,” she wrote, “grief is a burning of the heart, an intense heat that gives us solace and release.” Whether you have lost someone yourself or are comforting another who has lost a loved one, it can feel like there is nothing that can be said to make it better. But as exemplified by bell hooks, the greatest grief quotes provide comfort by sharing an experience of this pain.

Collected from the work of historic writers, poets, and songwriters, the following quotes incorporate a number of perspectives to guide through feelings of grief and loss. They stand apart from the rest— offering wisdom about living with their memory, absence, and the grieving process itself.

Find the words you need in our collection of the greatest quotes about grief and healing below.

Quotes about grief and memories:

Quotes about loss:

Quotes about grief:

That rounds out our collection of 35 quotes about grief and healing. We hope that some of the quotes on this list can provide comfort or clarity for you and yours, or to send to anyone grieving. Whose words have you resonated with when processing a loss? And for free grief support, click here.

You are probably aware of the theory that after experiencing bereavement, we go through stages of grief. The well-known theory describes five stages, while others describe six, or seven stages. But, what if this widely accepted theory is merely a myth and there is no set grieving process at all? What if everyone grieves in their own way?

Here at Untangle, we believe that the long-standing stages of grief theory is misleading and unhelpful and fails to accurately represent how most people experience grief.

The Five Stages of Grief Theory

The 5 stages of grief model was developed by psychiatrist Kübler-Ross in 1969. Although grief models had been discussed before this time, it was Kübler-Ross’s theory that gained traction and made it into the public psyche.

The 5 stages of grief described in the model are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Over time, people came to think of the 5 stages of grief as the ‘correct’ way to grieve, believing that mourners must pass through each stage to complete the grieving process. In the years since its first publication, the theory has been debunked by many professionals. In fact, it’s reported that before her death, Kübler-Ross herself expressed regret at how her model was viewed. She said that it was never intended to suggest a linear progression through grief, but rather to explore the various reactions we might have after loss.

David Kessler: The Sixth Stage of Grief

Kessler is a death and grief expert who co-wrote two books with Kübler-Ross, as well as many of his own books. One of his theories builds upon the 5 stages of grief to add a sixth stage: finding meaning. Kessler argues that after we pass through the grieving process, we can transform grief into peace and hope by finding meaning in our life.

Seven Stages of Grief

At various times over the years, others stages have been added to Kübler-Ross’s model, too. You might have heard of the 7 stages of grief, which adds ‘shock and disbelief’ as stage one, and ‘reconstruction’ before the final stage of ‘acceptance’. Just as with the 5-stage and 6-stage grief theories, this presents a rather linear process that we don’t think is true to life.

Other Theories

In more recent years, many counselling and bereavement experts have looked for other ways to describe our experience of grief. Most acknowledge that grief isn’t a linear process and that people experience it in different ways.

1. Tonkin’s model: Growing around Grief

Lois Tonkin is a grief counsellor who coined the term ‘growing around grief’ after counselling clients who had experienced loss. She describes that rather than grief disappearing over time, it stays roughly the same, and the life of a bereaved person grows around it as they have new experiences and begin to look forward. At times, that grief can feel just as painful as it did at the beginning, and at other times, it’s in the background.

2. Worden’s theory: Tasks of Mourning

William Worden, a psychology academic and child-bereavement expert, identified four ‘tasks’ that he says are an active part of grieving. He stresses that the tasks are not completed in a linear fashion and that people often return to each of the tasks at different times of their lives.

3. Stroebe and Schut: The Dual Process Model of Coping

Stroebe and Schut’s Dual Process Model breaks down grief into loss orientation and restoration orientation. Loss involves recognising and accepting that the person has died and how that affects other areas of life such as friendships and finances. Restoration focuses on the moments we can put grief aside to rebuild a life without the person who died. People frequently move between the two as they grieve.

The Stages of Grief Myth: Why it matters

The stages of grief model has become so widely accepted that it influences our cultural beliefs and attitude towards supporting people who have experienced loss. These misconceptions not only impact our ability to offer good bereavement support, but also give the impression that if you’re not moving through the stages of grief then you’re not grieving properly.

A 2010 study found that the majority of undergraduate psychiatric nursing textbooks contain myths about the grieving process:

None of these statements is backed with evidence, but they are presented to psychiatric nursing students as fact. The fact that the stages of grief myth is perpetuated in these environments means that even our healthcare professionals are not taught how to handle grief effectively.

Part of our passion at Untangle comes from recognising the gaps in the current bereavement support provision. We provide wellbeing support and practical help for our community of people who are rebuilding their lives after loss. And we understand that every grief experience is as unique as the person experiencing it.

After experiencing bereavement, grief can feel so overwhelming that it can be hard to know whether your feelings are normal or whether you may be suffering from trauma. Understanding the difference between grief symptoms and trauma can help you recognise a trauma response and know when and how to seek help.

The distinction between grief symptoms and trauma

Grief is a painful and complex set of emotions and can involve feelings of numbness, sadness, anger, and distress. It is a natural, human response to loss. There is no set grieving process, but over time, your feelings around your loss ebb and flow, and you find healthy ways to remember your loved one as you settle into a ‘new normal’.
Trauma is an emotional response to a distressing or disturbing event. Sometimes, bereavement can result in trauma, for example, if the death was unexpected, a result of violent crime, or was out of the expected natural order, such as the death of a child or young person. In these cases, you not only have the loss to process, but also the circumstances around the death. A prolonged trauma response is known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

A trauma response is your body’s attempt at protecting you from perceived danger. It puts you into a state of hyperarousal, or ‘shock’, linked to the fight/flight/freeze responses. PTSD can present as agitation and aggression (fight), anxiety and hyperactivity (flight), and feelings of disconnection or numbness (freeze). Trauma can also produce physical effects, such as headaches, nausea, digestive problems, sleep disturbances, changes in breathing or swallowing, and panic attacks.

As your brain continues to revisit the trauma, you might experience flashbacks and vivid dreams or nightmares. The impact of these distressing symptoms can be emotionally, psychologically and physically exhausting, and if left untreated, can cause long-lasting impacts on your health, relationships and daily life.

When should I seek help?

It’s normal to feel a range of emotions as you grieve. As long as you can continue to move forward by working through your thoughts and feelings about your loss and leaning on friends and family if you need to, therapy isn’t usually necessary.
However, if you have any of the psychological or physical signs mentioned above or dealing with grief is stopping you from living your day to day life, you may be experiencing trauma and should seek advice from a professional. Using alcohol or drugs to help you manage your grief can be another sign that you may need to ask for help. Sometimes, people might not spot the signs of trauma in themselves, but the people around them start to pick up on changes in their personality or behaviour and suggest that they seek help.

If you suspect you have trauma, a trained therapist or counsellor can carry out an assessment involving a series of questions designed to identify signs of trauma. They can then work with you to help you manage the symptoms and start to heal. Find your perfect therapist or counsellor with Untangle.

Who can help me?

There are various ways of addressing and treating trauma and PTSD. When considering the available options, look for a service that delivers trauma-informed care, using specific techniques that avoid the risk of causing further trauma.
Trauma therapy or bereavement counselling can provide specialist treatment for PTSD. Two treatment modalities have been shown to be particularly effective in treating trauma: EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) and trauma-focused CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

Medication is not generally used as a first-line treatment option for PTSD but can sometimes be used alongside talking therapies. Your GP can advise you further.

Grief groups can provide additional support while you work through trauma and grief. We arrange various online support groups that can help connect you with other people going through similar experiences.

Stories from our community

We asked some of our current members of our community to share their stories about how they come to terms understanding their grief and trauma.

Follow Untangle:

Can an adult be an orphan?

What is orphan syndrome?

What does orphan syndrome in adults look like?

What does becoming an orphan in your 20s, 40s, 50s and beyond feel like?

How to cope with the loss of both parents?

Quarter-Life Grief

Gaining independence

First Love

Launching a career

Navigating friendships

Getting married and having children

So, how long does grief last?

What are the seven stages of grief after death?

How long does each stage of grief last?

What does grief do to your body?

How long does grief fatigue last?

How long does grief brain fog last?

How long does pet grief last?

Does grief last forever?

A note on complicated grief

Quotes about grief and memories:

Quotes about loss:

Quotes about grief:

The Five Stages of Grief Theory

David Kessler: The Sixth Stage of Grief

Seven Stages of Grief

Other Theories

1. Tonkin’s model: Growing around Grief

2. Worden’s theory: Tasks of Mourning

3. Stroebe and Schut: The Dual Process Model of Coping

The Stages of Grief Myth: Why it matters

The distinction between grief symptoms and trauma

When should I seek help?

Who can help me?

Stories from our community