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We’re all in this terrible club together.
‘How long does grief last?’ It’s a question we often hear in the early days of a bereavement, when the future feels uncertain and you’re not sure what to expect from the journey ahead. Here, we talk about the importance of not setting timelines as you go through your grief, and why everyone’s experience is unique.
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So, how long does grief last?
The truth is, it’s different for everyone. There is no timeline for grief and, unfortunately, it doesn’t have an expiry date. It simply takes as long as it takes. What’s important is that you give yourself time to experience loss in your own way, without setting expectations or timelines, or feeling frustrated that it’s taking longer than you hoped.
Every loss is different, and how you process your grief is unique to you. That’s why, while some may start to feel better within weeks, others could find it takes months or years. Many of us at Untangle have come to realise that our grief will never fully go away, but that our day-to-day lives have become more manageable as time has gone on.
It reminds us of Lois Tonkin’s theory that grief stays with us, but our life grows around that loss. It’s always there and it’s always the same size, but slowly you rebuild your world around it. How that grief presents itself can change, too. While, in the early days, it might be a very physical experience, later on it might be more emotional, but without the brain fog or exhaustion you felt at first. Usually, these feelings come in waves that hit stronger on some days, and gentler on others. Roll with them, knowing that a calmer tide is on the horizon, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
What are the seven stages of grief after death?
Some believe we go through seven stages of grief after a loss. These are:
- Shock and denial
- Pain and guilt
- Anger and bargaining
- Depression, loneliness and reflection
- Upward turn
- Reconstruction
- Acceptance and hope
How long does each stage of grief last?
The idea was first introduced as five stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, before ‘shock and denial’ and ‘acceptance’ were later added on. But we’ll be honest: at Untangle, we see these stages as something of a myth. While you might experience all of the symptoms above, the idea of a ‘checklist’ or a ‘correct’ way to grieve ignores how unique the grieving process is.
However, if you do go through these stages, know that the timing is different for everyone. Some of them may be fleeting, some may come and go, and some you may never feel at all. While these stages have often been interpreted as being in a set order, Kübler-Ross made it clear in her writing that they are not linear.
Check out our extensive guide to the stages of grief, including what to expect and how to cope.
– Join Untangle’s grief community –
What does grief do to your body?
Grieving isn’t just an emotional process. It can be surprisingly physical too, leaving you exhausted, achy, restless and even with cold or flu-like symptoms. Your mind and body are run down and burnt out, and you might feel that way for weeks or even months. It’s one of many reasons why taking a break is needed in those early stages of a bereavement.
How long does grief fatigue last?
We wish we could tell you that it’s ending soon, but like all stages of grief, it takes as long as it takes to get over grief fatigue. Not only is your mind in overdrive and your body coping with a trauma, but you might also be suffering from insomnia, which adds to the exhaustion. Our advice is always patience, but if you feel that grief fatigue is lasting too long for you (not for someone else), you can speak to a doctor about ways to improve your sleep or energy levels. They might be able to offer suggestions on establishing a new sleep pattern, or vitamins to take that will support your body during this difficult time.
How long does grief brain fog last?
Brain fog is an all too common (and often frustrating) symptom of grief, but try not to be hard on yourself if you find you’re more forgetful in the first weeks or months after a loved one dies. There’s a lot of new information for your brain to process, both in terms of the actual loss and shock, and in terms of any difficult ‘death admin’ you may have to do. Where possible, lean on the help of others for the admin side of things. (Reading our ‘What to do when someone dies’ complete guide may help also.) The brain fog should start to clear with time, as you overcome the shock.
How long does pet grief last?
Pets are family, so when they pass away, the loss is heartbreaking – whether it’s a dog, a cat or another beloved animal. You haven’t just lost a loved one, but often a sense of routine that was built around caring for your pet. And, to make it harder, not everyone will always understand this kind of grief if they’ve not been through it.
Scientific American says that, after the loss of a pet, acute grief can last two months, with symptoms of grief persisting up to a full year (on average). But, again, we recommend you never put a timeline on your feelings. We at Untangle have experienced this kind of grief, and know how hard it is to adjust to life without your pet. This is your reminder to not bottle up your feelings, and to find people who understand what you’re going through. One day you’ll be able to reflect on all your pet’s funny, unique quirks with a smile.
– Join Untangle’s grief community –
Does grief last forever?
It can – and that’s okay. Grief may stay with you forever, but it won’t always feel as hard or all-consuming as it does right now. In the future, you might find that it’s triggered by a birthday or an anniversary – or just an unexpected memory. But the days in between will start to feel normal again, and missing your loved one will be more manageable. Some things that can help you on this journey include:
- Learning about grief, so you can understand why you might be feeling what you’re feeling, and what to expect along the way.
- Finding your support, whether it’s a bereavement group, a good friend or a family member. Opening up, and also hearing others’ stories, can help you process your grief.
- Listening to your needs and not pushing yourself to do things before you’re ready. You can say ‘no’ when you want to.
Speaking to HR or a trusted manager at work. Returning to work after a bereavement can be difficult, so it’s important you get the support you need.
A note on complicated grief
Feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness are common when grieving. However, you may be dealing with complicated grief if you:
- Find your feelings don’t become more manageable over time and/or worsen.
- Focus on little else but your loved one’s death for a prolonged period of time.
- Feel persistently numb, detached, and that life has no meaning or purpose.
- Experience depression, self-blame and/or guilt.
- Isolate yourself from others for an extended time.
- Wish you had died with your loved one.
Complicated grief is an ongoing state of mourning that will often be debilitating, but there are ways to find happiness in your life again. It’s important that you speak to a loved one or a doctor, who will be able to help you access the support you need, whether that’s individual therapy or medicine. You don’t have to struggle alone.
If you want to share how you’re feeling, ask questions to others who have lost or simply read their stories, head on over to the Untangle community via the Untangle Grief app.
