Nearly 70% of people plan to do something special on the anniversary of their loved one’s death. Here are their stories...
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- My own battle with death anniversaries
- Tania’s story
- Death anniversary ideas
- Tips for coping on a death anniversary
The Death Anniversary. It’s such a weird and confusing term. Anniversaries are, for the most part, a celebration of milestones. But when you juxtapose it with a terrible moment – scratch that, the worst moment – in our lives, it becomes oh-so confusing.
With this in mind, we reached out to our community to gather some stories on loss itself and their thoughts on death anniversaries. After all, whilst every article under the sun can advise on ‘death anniversary ideas’, nothing compares to hearing from those who truly understand what you’re going through. You’ll also find some ideas to honour your loved one, together with ways in which our members have managed to cope on the day itself.
If you want to share your story, how you’re feeling, anything – however small you think it might be – come over to Untangle. We’re all in this terrible club together.
My own battle with the death anniversary
I lost my loved one in 2017. Unsurprisingly, it ripped my world apart. For the first year, I went into survival mode – for me, that meant suppression...
It seemed logical to ignore the things that made me feel bad, and this was unlike anything else. After all, if you stick your head in the sand for long enough, maybe one’s troubles will dissolve into sweet nothingness? Of course, it never quite works out that way. My bereavement counsellor didn’t think so. And it certainly didn’t for me. Suppression has long been known to extend the lifespan of unwanted feelings. My symptoms were all over the place.
So, as you might’ve guessed, I didn’t do anything on the first anniversary of his death. It took me until year 3 to begin celebrating his life on that ominous date, January 6th. Now, I kind of look forward to it – I treat it as celebrating his life up until that point. To remember the amazing times we shared and use it as an opportunity to thank him for the impact he had on my life. And I regret not doing it in the first year.
In short, when you lose someone, the anniversary of that loss is scary, but it can be marked in a way that honours them. That’s not to say it’s easy to do or that the grief goes away – there will forever be a ping of sadness resting on my shoulder. But it can be, with will, a day for reflection and gratitude.
Tania’s story:
It’s about the two of you…
“I lost my husband in 2020. I didn’t see it coming. The wave of pain that hit me was intense. I can’t really describe it. I just didn’t know I could feel that way. Every second I ached for him. I went on throughout the year with little regard to much – and by that I mean I didn’t care for anything: my health, friendships, like I said, anything.
As the anniversary of his death approached, I had no idea what to do. Truth be told, I was dreading it. I started looking through our texts, when I stumbled upon this, “don’t worry about being late – enjoy yourself. It’s so good knowing you’re letting loose and having fun. That’s what life’s about.”
That’s when I thought, “right, we’re going to celebrate life together on that dreaded day”. So, I called up my mum, his friends and family members, then booked a restaurant and bar for post-dinner drinks. We went out, told stories of him – good and bad! We each went round the table speaking of the impact he had on us individually. It was so tough, but it made my heart smile, if that’s even possible.
My advice to anyone is that the death anniversary is about you and your loved one. Don’t put on some extravagant event or act if it’s not what you want to do. It should reflect the mantra that was the glue in your relationship.“
Death anniversary ideas
We reached out to our community for this one. After all, anyone can write a bunch of death anniversary ideas, but only those who have experienced it can understand the nuance of the occasion.Here’s what they had to say:
- Take the day off and just give yourself the time and space to grieve.
- Light a candle in their memory or visit their final resting place.
- Write letters and put them inside balloons.
- Paint, draw, write a poem, or play a song to celebrate your loved one.
- Buy a cake to lift the mood – think of it as celebrating their life up until that point.
- Get together as a family, play their favourite songs.
“Go for a drive at night. If you have one near you, find a view of the skyline, pull up and soak it in. Then reflect.
– Charat, Untangle member
- Make a memory bear from their clothing.
- Go to their favourite place – be it a park, beach or, in my case, festival!
- “We had a family meal and told stories of dad. We then let off balloons and put on his favourite song.”
- Scatter some of their ashes somewhere meaningful: on a favourite walk or at the top of a mountain you used to climb together, as an example.
“Plant something in their memory. It can be extremely comforting to watch it grow over time.”
– Lisa, Untangle member
- Go for a long walk. Take a friend or two and talk out your feelings, or walk alone and have some quiet time to think.
- Call up or visit someone who knew your loved one well and have a long chat. They may also be struggling.
- Write a letter to your loved one: you can explore a range of things: things you miss; things you resent; traumas; things you’re grateful for; things that were left unsaid; regrets; funny things you wish they’d been there to see; things they’d be proud of; gossip; questions; things you’ve let go of or forgiven; things that still make you laugh.
“I ordered Chinese fortune cookies and put sentences from her diary in them, as her gift to all her friends and relatives who came to share the pain with us on that day.”
– Yulia, Untangle member
- Travel somewhere that’s been on your bucket list for a while.
- Throw a dinner party with people that knew your loved one well. Share stories. Laugh. Cry. Console. Connect.
- Make it a potluck with your family, with everyone bringing your loved one’s favourite foods.
- Have a duvet day and watch their favourite films or TV shows.
- Take a class to learn to do something your loved one enjoyed – this can be a great mechanism for connection.
“Look at their photos, videos, letters, journals, clothes, jewellery, books, and anything else they left behind. Maybe add some of these things to a scrapbook or create a photo memory book.”
– Charlie, Untangle member
- Go somewhere that was special to the two of you. Leave them flowers and a note.
- Spend the day helping others: do a charity run, or organise a fundraiser for a cause that mattered to the person you’ve lost.
- If you are religious, go to a service, spend the day with your community or take part in a memorial ritual.
- Make a mixtape or Spotify playlist of tracks that they loved and listen to them.
- Go see one of their favourite bands play live.
Tom’s story:
There’s no right or wrong…
“It’s a tough one – I know others who do the same thing each and every year. I get that – they’ve told me they feel more connected to their lost person. For me, it depends how I’m feeling. And, to be fair, whenever we did stuff together, it would be based on how we were feeling at the time. So, in a way, it very much reflects that.
On the first anniversary of her death, I hid away. I took the day off work knowing that I wasn’t going to be much fun to be around – I put her favourite box set on, ordered her favourite takeaway and didn’t move for the rest of the day.
The second year, I wanted to do some sort of activity – truth be told, I didn’t want to be stuck in the same spot like the first time. Instead, I took to the beach and went stand up paddleboarding. We did it on holiday once and she loved it. At that moment, I realised what others had been saying – I felt so connected to her.
My advice to others is to listen to your body. If it’s riddled with grief and you can’t move, chances are you’re not going to feel that connection if you do some sort of activity. There’s no right or wrong. Do you.”
The death anniversary: how to cope
As Tom mentioned, sometimes, you just need to switch off from the world; to shut yourself away and get through the day.
We asked the community and Untangle team for some quick tips for coping on death anniversaries. Here’s what came up:
- If you’re going to be around people, let them know that the date is approaching: “you may not want to bring it up – why would you? – but letting friends and family know means they can be there to support you – or, in my instance, let me be.”
- There may be others who are also affected by the loss (family or close friends of your lost person). “I’ve found doing something together incredibly powerful. I find that others bring up amazing memories that I had almost forgotten.”
- Plan ahead: “When I haven’t planned anything, I withdraw. It’s an anniversary of a death after all, why wouldn’t I? Planning enables me / forces me to put myself into a more positive mindset. Looking back, that definitely helps.”
- Don’t put yourself under pressure to do anything: “It’s a tough day; you don’t have to treat it as a celebration of life. Not doing anything is doing something in itself.”
- Share your story and how you’re feeling on a grief community: “There’s comfort in talking to people you don’t know who understand the precise agony of loss.”
If you want to share how you’re feeling, ask questions to others who have lost or simply read their stories, head on over to the Untangle community via the Untangle Grief app.
We hope this article helps you navigate the day. Please get in touch if you have any questions or are seeking support.
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