To connect with others who share a similar experience to you, including a private Christmas Support Group, download the Untangle Grief app.
Events running over the festive period
15th December, 18:30 (GMT): Craft & Chat
A member-hosted workshop where we will be shown how to make simple but beautiful salt flour ornaments. Come along to create and chat (it doesn’t need to be about grief)!
22nd December, 18:20 (GMT): Meditation
Join meditation and life coach, Sang Vu, for a 40-minute meditation session. We will use audio only. If you join, please mute your microphone until the end.
25th December, 17:00 (GMT): Member Chat
We know that Christmas can be a tough day when you’re grieving. We will be live in the app from 5pm GMT for anyone to come on and chat.
26th December, 20:00 (GMT): Support Session
Hosted by Heather, these are our regular support sessions structured so everyone can share, should they wish.
30th December, 22:00 (GMT): Book Club
Come and join Emily from the Untangle Team for our first book club! We’ll be talking about Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin.
To join any of these events, download the Untangle app.
How to survive Christmas when you’re grieving
When you’ve lost someone you love, the festive holidays can seem far from the happiest time of the year. And grief at Christmas can feel particularly hard. From making new traditions to simply surviving in one piece, here are our 24 tips for getting through the festive season after a bereavement:
1. Talk about your grief at Christmas
If you’ve recently lost a close family member or friend, this Christmas will inevitably be different. Before you make plans, try talking about the fact that it might be really hard this year. That way others will feel that it’s OK to be sad and there’s no pressure to put on a brave face.
2. Keep things flexible
Family relationships often get strained around Christmas, and if you’re coping with grief, you might feel extra anxious about getting together. Be open about your own needs and flexible around other people’s. If you can’t face organising a meal or visiting relatives, maybe a family walk or video call could work? Likewise, if someone really needs company, explore ways to help them feel supported.
3. Look after yourself
We all handle bereavement in different ways, and the festive season can bring back memories that intensify your feelings. To lessen the physical effects of losing a loved one and look after your mental health, stick to a basic everyday routine: Get up, eat regularly, get some daylight and exercise, and keep in touch with people around you.
4. Limit alcohol
T’is the season to be boozing – but overindulging to dull your feelings after a bereavement can make you feel a lot worse, and lead to arguments, depression, even addiction. If you’re drinking too much, see point 3, and ask for help.
5. Do it differently
Christmas traditions can seem meaningless when your loved one isn’t there to share them. If something doesn’t bring you joy, don’t do it. It’s OK to not write Christmas cards or cover the house in multicoloured twinkling reindeer – motivation after losing a loved one to participate in festive activities can be hard to find. Go away somewhere new, curl up on the sofa, or skip the celebrations completely. The people who love you will understand.
6. Remember your loved one
Christmas without a loved one is hard, but there are many ways to keep your loved one’s memory alive during the holidays. For example, light a candle by their photo or grave, decorate a bauble – or the whole house – in their honour, serve their favourite food, or buy something they would have loved and give it to someone who really needs it.
7. Make new traditions
If you’re ready, try creating new traditions that suit your life now. If turkey was never really your thing, maybe now is the time for steak and chips, sushi or a slap-up veggie meal? Or donating to charity instead of buying presents and inviting the neighbours around for mince pies.
8. Talk about them
Mentioning people we’ve lost can feel comforting. Make a toast to them, or to ‘absent friends’, on Christmas Day. And if it feels right, watch old video clips or look through photos together. Many people don’t know what to say to someone grieving, but if you can, start talking about them.
9. Lend a hand
Sometimes focusing on other people’s needs can give you a break from your own grief. If you’re feeling up to it, offer a helping hand to someone else who is struggling – it is Christmas after all.
10. Express yourself
If you’re missing them terribly, don’t keep it all bottled up. Pour it into a letter or Christmas card, paint or draw a favourite memory, belt out a Christmas classic (with or without an audience), talk to someone or join a grief support group. You’ll feel better afterwards.
11. Reflect on your future
Try thinking about things you’d like to do in the coming year. From painting your bedroom or joining a choir to starting bereavement counselling or moving house: make a list of things that will make you feel better. You might change your mind, but at least you’ll emerge from Christmas with some ideas for what your future could look like now.
12. It’s ok to be ok
Grief can suddenly lift like fog when you forget for a moment that they’re gone. If it happens, don’t feel guilty – allow yourself some happiness in the middle of it all.
13 Feel free to decline
At Christmas, we can all feel the pressure to show up, whether that’s physically at parties or emotionally, through acts of giving. If that all sounds too draining, feel free to decline. Your friends and family will understand.
14 Keep it low-key and stress-free
Paring back Christmas can feel right for some people, especially in those first few Christmases after losing someone. Opt for Secret Santa instead of buying presents for everyone, and make a donation to your loved one’s favourite charity instead of buying and sending Christmas cards.
15 Attend a local memorial service
Many faiths hold memorial services at Christmas for those we have lost in the years past. Being with others who are grieving at this time of year, and sharing that loss in a faith setting, can prove very healing.
16 Find new ways to keep busy
Some people find throwing themselves into Christmas is a nice way to keep themselves busy and their mind off their grief. Try making from scratch what you would have made yourself: mince pies, cards, presents, gravy… The festive season offers plenty of extra work if that’s what you need.
17 Indulge in a little self care
When you lose a loved one, it can be easy to adopt a care taking role – looking after everyone around you without taking care of yourself. Set aside an evening or a day in your calendar to do just that. There are lots of self care ideas online from spending an afternoon reading to batch cooking some of your favourite healthy meals to freeze for those nights when you can’t be bothered to cook.
18 Dabble in some mindful activities
Anxiety is a very common symptom of grief and feeling alone. Slow down racing minds by doing something mindful with your hands instead. From colouring Christmas cards to sewing your own stockings, there’s a wealth of calming crafts to discover.
19 Get something for yourself
There’s no harm in treating yourself to something this Christmas too that you feel might help you with your grief. From a cookery class to keep busy to therapy or counselling to air your feelings, buying yourself something says yourself that you matter this Christmas too.
20 Connect with nature
Getting amongst nature improves our overall wellbeing by reducing feelings of stress and sadness, and Christmas offers us lots of opportunities to connect with the season of winter. Woodland walks collecting foliage to bring indoors and dress the house with is a longstanding tradition and, if you’re grieving, this can prove impactful.
21 Give journaling a go
You needn’t treat yourself to a fancy new notebook to give this powerful grief tool a go. Document how you’re feeling, write down the things you wish you’d said to your loved one and jot down all those memories you have of them as they pop up. It’s a great way to watch the shape of your grief change over time and Christmas is a great time to start.
22 Know that grief brain fog is real
If you’ve found yourself forgetting why you walked into a room or have found your car keys in the fridge, do not worry. Grief has a way of fogging up the brain and affecting the short term memory. It disappears in time, but be mindful of the fact that this can cause more problems than usual at Christmas. Holiday grief brain is real. Don’t be afraid to keep little lists on your phone of presents you need to buy, things you need to do and even of who got you which present so you can thank people properly.
23 Give a meaningful gift
If you’re sharing Christmas time with people also grieving your loved one, a gift that reminds them of that person can be well received. Some sewists will turn your loved one’s clothes into memorial blankets, quilts or even tree decorations. Or you could simply purchase their favourite books and records and give them out, explaining to each of them why the person you lost loved that item so much.
24 Ignore Christmas altogether
If it all seems too much, you don’t have to embark on festivities at all. Christmas is, after all, just another day. Shut the curtains, order in food and find a new television series to get your teeth stuck into.
To meet others who are also going through grief, join Untangle’s free online peer support groups.
To join our Grief at Christmas Support Group and explore our dedicated coping tools, download the Untangle Grief app today.
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