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The stages of grief: what are they and can they be trusted?

Grief

Whilst the sad truth is that death and loss are universal experiences, responses to loss are not: they’re unique, individual and personal, characterised by the circumstances and meaning of that loss, not to mention the resources available to a person.

Some will cry, feel distress, withdraw, others will become fixated on purpose or a task at hand – the list is endless and each reaction and symptom is normal. There is no right or wrong. Everyone grieves differently.

Untangle's poll reading: do you believe in the 5 stages of grief?
A divided opinion on the five stages of grief

This is why the stages of grief theories can cause problems. Culture has made it seem that grief is linear and that there is an expectation to feel a certain way, but for anyone coping with grief, these ideas can be harmful.

With this in mind, we spoke to Untangle members about their experience of loss and the grieving stages, as well Dr Lizzie Paddock, Psychologist and Assistant Professor in Forensic Psychology at the University of Nottingham.


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What can grief feel like?

Grief can manifest itself in many different ways.

From physical symptoms through to behavioural changes, you may experience a number of reactions or none at all.

The below is a non-exhaustive list of possible reactions to loss:

Reaction type How grief might present itself
Physical
  • Nausea
  • Headaches
  • Insomnia
  • Noise sensitivity
Emotional
  • Sadness
  • Anger*
  • Hopelessness
  • Anxiousness
  • Loneliness
* this doesn’t exclusively mean blind range, it also encompasses things like bitterness, resentment, etc.
Cognitive
  • Unable to concentrate
  • Unable to return back to work
  • Confusion and emptiness
  • Replaying the loss in your head
Behavioural
  • Obsessive and compulsive behaviour
  • Distracting from the loss via alcohol use, etc.
  • Social withdrawal
  • Changes in activity level
  • Avoidance of places or reminders of your loved one
Spiritual
  • Searching for meaning in life
  • Examining faith in a deeper way
  • Changing religious or spiritual beliefs/following

See our symptoms of grief article for further insight –


The five stages of grief: what are they?

The five stages of grief theory was developed in 1969 by psychiatrist, Dr Kübler-Ross, as a way of describing the emotional process experienced by those facing their own death.

The theory quickly gained traction and embedded itself into the public psyche as the model for dealing with bereavement and, in turn, became synonymous with the grieving process.

What are the 5 stages of grief?

What are the 7 stages of grief?

Over the years, other stages have been added to Kübler-Ross’s model. You might have heard of the 7 stages of grief, which adds ‘shock and disbelief’, ‘pain and guilt’ and ‘reconstruction’ into the mix. Just as with the 5 stages, this presents itself as a linear process that is often untrue to life.

The seven stages of grief are:

  • Shock and disbelief
  • Pain and guilt
  • Anger and bargaining
  • Depression
  • The upward turn
  • Reconstruction
  • Acceptance

A stages of grief Q&A:
Is what I’m feeling normal?

Question:
“I’ve looked through both the 5 stages of grief and 7 stages of grief models, but I’m not experiencing that journey at all. I used to be sociable, now I keep myself to myself. I lack confidence and I cannot accept that my husband has gone.

It’s been over 3 years – surely I should be onto another, more acceptable stage by now? Is what I’m feeling even normal? The stages of grief suggest not.

Profile icon

Sue, Untangle member

Answer:
“Stages theories of grief are present throughout popular culture. However, evidence has shown that the grieving process is ‘neither a linear nor a fixed progression of stages’. The truth is, people may never experience some of these stages. Everyone’s grief is unique to them. And most people will not experience them in that order – instead, jumping back and forth between stages. Some researchers prefer to talk about the ‘components’ of grief.

The most important way to help yourself while grieving is to take care of yourself and your needs – being aware of how you are feeling.

For many of us, talking about loss is an incredibly painful and difficult thing. It takes strength and courage to describe how you are feeling after a bereavement, and all too often, we avoid the conversation because we can’t find the right words. Do you feel this may be contributing to why you are not wanting to be around others?

Grief is a huge trauma, and you are reeling from the shock of your loss. Be patient with yourself. There is no timeline for how long grief lasts, or how you should feel after a particular time.

Profile picture of Dr Lizzie Paddock

Dr Lizzie Paddock, Psychologist and Assistant Professor in Forensic Psychology

Join our grief community


Growing around your grief: Tonkins stages of grief model

Lois Tonkin is a grief counsellor who coined the term ‘growing around grief’ after counselling clients who had experienced loss.

Stages of grief: Tonkins model

She describes that rather than grief disappearing over time, it stays roughly the same, and the life of a bereaved person grows around it as they have new experiences and begin to look forward.

At times, that grief can feel just as painful as it did at the beginning, and at other times, it’s in the background.

How can Tonkins model of grief help?

This frame of thinking means you can both be growing and grieving at the same time. Whilst there may always be a pang of sadness resting on your shoulder, you can make progress. Grief doesn’t go away, nor should you expect it to, but you can grow around it.

Many of our members have explained that they prefer this way of thinking as it steers away from grief having an endpoint, and instead explains grief as something that forms part of our identity, ever-present throughout the good and bad moments in our lives.


The stages of grief: can they be trusted?

If you take one thing from this article, let it be that the components of the models listed are things that you may experience – ‘may’ being the keyword.

In fact, Kubler-Ross herself later said that she regretted the way her model was viewed.

This is something that David Kessler, co-author of On Grief & Grieving, also said, “the stages have evolved since their introduction and have been very misunderstood… They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is no typical loss.

stages of grief linear

So, in short, don’t hold yourself to these models.

They can provide a level of comfort by showing that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do, but grief is inherently a unique experience; everyone will grieve in different ways.

This is where we thoroughly recommend using a peer-to-peer support service, offering the chance to connect with others over shared experiences means you can discuss loss instead of trying to compare yourself to a psychological theory or model.


How to care for yourself when grieving

The basics

  • Listen to your body:
    • If you need to rest or sleep, then do. Trauma is hard for the body to process and is tiring.
  • Look after yourself:
    • Try to eat healthy food and get outside in nature. It won’t take the pain away but looking after your basic health will ensure you don’t make things worse for yourself.
  • Avoid numbing substances:
    • Whilst it might feel like these take the pain away, they don’t. Instead, they delay those feelings from surfacing and extend the amount of time you spend in the ‘acute grief’ phase.

Your behaviour

  • Accept change:
    • You might notice your sleeping patterns or eating patterns change in the wake of a loss. These will return to normal so don’t fret. Do what
  • You’re exactly where you need to be:
    • Don’t feel any pressure to be or act in a certain way. Some people like to keep busy and go out lots, others stay in bed and watch TV. Do what feels right for you.
  • Feel your feelings:
    • If you need to cry, cry. If you want to laugh, laugh. Grief is not all sadness – sometimes it’s guilt, anger, joy and even relief. Try to embrace and lean into your feelings, rather than avoiding or pushing them down.

Your friends

  • Ask for and accept help:
    • If people offer to drop food round or take the kids for a few hours, take them up on it. Remember, you would do the same for them.
  • Try to be understanding:
    • Some of your closest friends may avoid you in your grief, whilst others will surprise you with their kindness. Try not to be too angry with those who avoid you – their silence is usually because of their own discomfort around grief and death, or not knowing what to say to someone who is grieving, not because they don’t love or care about you.
  • Be honest:
    • You may feel some pressure to return to ‘normal’ because you worry your feelings may make others uncomfortable, but that will only make you feel more isolated. Open up and talk about your grief, even if it’s years from the loss. True friends will want to be there for you.

Where to find support

Peer bereavement support

  • Untangle’s app can help you to meet others who have also experienced a loss and help you to feel less alone.

Education

  • Read advice:
  • Follow social media accounts:
    • There are lots of brilliant Instagram accounts, subReddits and private Facebook groups on the subject of grief and grief quotes which can help you to understand that what you’re feeling is normal.
  • Listen to podcasts:
    • Cariad Lloyd’s Griefcast features interviews with famous people who have experienced grief, which can help you to realise that you’re not the first person to walk this path.

Therapy

  • Consider 1-2-1 therapy:
    • Many people find bereavement counselling or therapy helpful to navigate the choppy waters of loss. Untangle can match you to the perfect affordable bereavement therapist.

Support as a carer

  • If you’re caring for an elderly parent:
  • Information and advice:
  • If you’ve now become an unpaid carer as the result of a death:

Urgent support

  • If you feel you’re in crisis, don’t delay. Call The Samaritans on UK 116 123.

If you want to share how you’re feeling, ask questions to others who have lost or simply read their stories, head on over to the Untangle community via the Untangle Grief app.

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