If you lost someone you loved in 2021, our condolences. We at Untangle know how hard this is. Feelings, especially in that first year, can prove very mixed: Sad that they’re gone, lonely in your grief, angry at the world for carrying on and sometimes, relieved that they’re no longer suffering. 

Whilst grief isn’t linear and whilst these feelings don’t necessarily lessen, you will adjust and learn to live alongside them. 

Changing times

The New Year can bring to grievers a sense of trepidation. For the first time, you won’t be able to say that you lost someone this year. Suddenly, you lost them ‘last year’ and you become acutely aware that they won’t ever know 2022. 

“It’s okay to lean into that feeling and to recognise that you have lost something significant within these last 12 months,” says Clinical Psychologist Dr Marianne Trent of Good Thinking Psychological Services. “It’s totally normal that it might feel hard to fathom a year that your loved one will never know.”

You may also worry that friends and family might not check in as often, and in the team’s experience, many of them won’t. People, especially those lucky enough not to have experienced close loss, won’t know how important that is. But some will keep checking in, and they will prove a Godsend. Take the matter into your own hands and ask people to check in. Your loved ones will want to do what’s right by you, so find a time to air these anxieties with them. 

“If you can, open up to other people you know who have been through similar experiences to you,” says Behavioural Psychologist Jo Hemmings. “According to research by Recognised, 48% of us feel less alone when we hear people share the same struggles we face. But if you’re the first of your friends going through this, don’t be afraid to speak to them as well.”

 

Don’t suffer alone

The same research showed that 47% of Brits said that they suffered in silence (with an issue of their feelings) in the last 18 months because they didn’t want to burden others but 41% believe that the pandemic has made them more able to empathise and put themselves in other people’s shoes. “So you might be surprised at how much they understand or can recognise how you’re feeling,” Hemmings says. 

And don’t concern yourself with ‘timelines’ either. Grief doesn’t have an expiry date. “It’s okay to still be moved by your grief and not to be too concerned whether people think you should be ‘over it by now’ because it happened last year,” Dr Trent explains. Grief comes in waves, sometimes you will feel fine, and sometimes you won’t. 

 

Complicated feelings

Guilt can also be a common feeling at this time of year. “It’s really common that people report that they feel guilty about getting to carry on,” Dr Trent continues, but it’s okay to feel okay right now. “We don’t deserve to suffer and it is absolutely fine for you to turn your face towards the sun again and enjoy the warmth it has to offer.”

You can go further than that too. Why not use this time of year to take extra good care of yourself? It’s a lovely way to honour your loved one and what they would have wanted. “Make sure you’re making time for self care and exercise,” says Jo Hemmings. “Maybe go for a cycle, brisk walk or have a workout? Or go online and offer your empathy and support to others who may be grieving and alone.” The Untangle Forum and Chats spaces are the perfect place to start. 

 

Marking time mindfully

And if you’re feeling ready to end a year in which you’ve known such pain and face the new year head on, acknowledging this time in a mindful way can prove healing. “Some people find it helpful to mark the passing of someone they loved with something which will continue to grow, such as a plant or tree,” says Dr Trent. “It can give a mindful focus for loving and tending and allow us to assimilate the time since loss with growth.”

Or, make 2022 the year when you learn to live with your loss. Finding the perfect therapist can take time, but therapy can help you to understand and process your feelings. Untangle can match you with the perfect grief therapist using one quick questionnaire. 

However, if you’re in crisis right now, get help straight away. Dr Trent says: “If you are concerned about your wellbeing, ability to function, the number of mounting problems and your risk level it’s really important that you reach out for support via your Doctor, mental health team or an accredited therapy service.”

 

Here for others

And finally, if you’re here because you’re trying to help someone who is grieving, firstly kudos for signing up to Untangle. You’re already trying to educate yourself on grief and are working hard to make them feel a little less alone. But it can be a lot simpler than that. 

“It’s easy to get swept up in the business of our everyday lives but if you have friends of family members you know are going through a hard time, take a moment to check in with them,” Jo Hemmings says. “According to research by Recognised, what makes Brits feel the most valued and appreciated is the simple act of someone checking in to see if they are okay. 

“Small gestures of kindness or compassion, like sending a quick text or giving someone a call, can often have a more positive impact on our well-being, than grand or expensive gestures. It shows us that people are considering our feelings as well as understanding them, which in turn immediately boosts our levels of oxytocin and serotonin – hormones which can help us feel calmer and happier – while reducing our stress hormone, cortisol.“

However you choose to see in the New Year, we hope the above advice helps you to realise that you’re not alone in facing a new chapter of your life. Join our free community to speak to others in the same position and know you’re not alone on New Year’s Eve.

 

Dr Marianne Trent is a Clinical Psychologist with Good Thinking Psychological Services and author of The Grief Collective. 

Jo Hemmings has been working with social impact jewellery brand, Recognised. Together they have released a report on how the nation is feeling in the run up to Christmas and how recognition could be the key to our mental wellbeing. Find out more at www.recognisedstore.com/recognition