grief | Untangle Grief

One of the most challenging parts of funeral planning is writing a fitting tribute to your loved one.

How can you find the words to capture just how much your friend or family member means to you? It’s harder still because you’re grieving, so emotions are running high, concentration is low, and the pressure may be overwhelming. That’s why we’ve created this guide on how to write a eulogy, complete with examples to get you started.

What is a eulogy?

A eulogy is a short speech given at a funeral or memorial service for a person who has died. The tradition originates from ancient Greece, and the word literally means “praise”. The key is to write the eulogy in a way that does their life justice and respects their loved ones’ memories and feelings of grief.

Who should deliver a eulogy?

Speaking about someone who has died in front of their family and friends is a courageous thing to do. If you feel daunted by the prospect, ask people around you for support. While a close relative or friend usually writes the funeral speech, it can also be delivered by an official, such as a religious leader. Do what feels right and keep it flexible. For example, if you want to write the eulogy but worry about breaking down in tears, ask someone else to be on standby to read it for you if need be.

How to write a eulogy – 6 tips

1. Make it personal

Introducing yourself in relation to the person you are remembering can be a good place to start. Describe what they meant to you, and what qualities defined them in your eyes. This will establish a connection with other people at the service and put you in the picture for those who might not know you very well.

2. Cover the essentials

When thinking about how to write a eulogy, it’s a good idea to structure it with a beginning, a middle and an end. And while it is not the same as an obituary, it usually includes brief aspects of the late person’s life, such as their early beginnings, their education and career, and particular skills, achievements or interests. Saying something specific about their family life, and mentioning their partner and/or children by name, can feel particularly important to their closest relatives.

3. Get personal stories from others

Just like our relationships with a particular person differ, so do our feelings about them when they die. To make sure you write a good eulogy that will feel meaningful to others, ask a few close friends or relatives to contribute by sharing a favourite memory, personal story, or anecdote. A range of perspectives will enrich your speech and help strike the right tone right with your audience. You might also discover a true gem in the process, like a beautiful quote that perfectly captures your loved one’s personality, qualities, and quirks.

4. Consider the length

How long should a eulogy be? Some funeral speeches are very brief and there are no set rules for length, but 3-5 minutes is common. Make it long enough to properly honour the person and say what needs to be said, in proportion to the rest of the funeral service. To get it right, try reading it out loud a few times while timing yourself and editing accordingly.

5. Make it honest

It is possible to talk about someone’s achievements and qualities without glorifying them and mention shortcomings or disappointments in a kind and accepting way. None of us are perfect, and we remember those we have lost in all their human complexity. Follow your instincts, even using some gentle humour if it feels right and relevant. And if you’re not sure, ask someone else for their honest feedback before you finalise your eulogy.

6. End on a touching note

Ending a eulogy on the right note can be tricky. One option is to finish with a poem or quote that feels consoling and meaningful, even if it happens to come from a movie such as Pretty Woman or Lord of the Rings! You might find inspiration in famous eulogies, such as Matthew’s tribute to his partner Gareth in Four Weddings and a Funeral, Oprah Winfrey’s speech for Rosa Parks, Mona Simpson remembering her brother Steve Jobs, or in books and online quote collections.

Real eulogy examples

Eulogy examples for a sibling

Talk about:

What your mother or father meant to you and your siblings
What they did both for your family and a living
How they raised you and the values they passed on
Funny stories or touching memories that you’ll always remember
Something they once told you or a saying they had
The people who meant the most to them

Example eulogy:

There will never be enough words to sum up my big sister. She was funny, kind, smart, determined… In the eyes of me and my parents, she lit up every room she walked into. [Name] threw herself at every opportunity – she never did anything by halves. When she was 21, she signed up for the marathon because she’d seen some running shoes she liked – and, of course, she smashed it. When she was 26, she went to the dog shelter ‘just to take a look’, and came home with two pups, Charlie and Bubbles, who adored her.

So it was no surprise that she took so naturally to becoming a mum. I can’t describe the joy of seeing [Name] raise her two girls – my two favourite people – with the same care and kindness she had always shown me as her little sister. They were her pride and joy, and there is so much of [Name] in both of them. They share her generosity, fierce loyalty, flawless sense of style, and quick wit. [Kids’ names], I know nothing will ever erase the heartbreak of losing your mum, but I hope you know that we are all here for you always.

[Name] was also a brilliant friend. She knew anyone and everyone. Sometimes it felt like there was nowhere we could go where she wouldn’t bump into at least one person who saw how brilliant she was. People were drawn to her, and her passion for life. But no matter how many friends she made, she’d never be without her best ones: Amy and Scott. She loved you both so much, and your wild stories will live on forever.

[Name], thank you for everything. For being the life of the party, for always knowing how to make us all laugh, and for showing us how to live life to the fullest. There will never be a day we don’t miss you, but we’ll carry your love wherever we go, and your girls will never stop hearing stories about their magical mum.

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Eulogy examples for a grandparent

Talk about:

Your grandmother or grandfather’s life and the people they loved
Their personality, their humour and their values
The role they played in your upbringing
Heartwarming memories of time spent with them

Example eulogy:

There was nobody funnier or more quick-witted than my grandmother. She was a force of nature who never failed to surprise people with her sharp one-liners and her teasing sense of humour. But she was also incredibly warm and kind. I’ll never forget our visits, Frank Sinatra playing in her living room, bowls of sweets on every surface, and her asking me, “so, what’s the latest gossip?”

She loved to chat, travel and see friends. Nan had a more active social life than anyone I know, and was always the ‘hostess with the mostest’, finding literally any reason to throw a party. Her love for her family was such a gift; something that my brother, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles and I were so lucky to experience every day.

But Nan’s love for people didn’t just stay in her family. She was extremely charitable, hosting fundraisers, volunteering at charity shops, and offering help to anyone in need. When our grandad passed, she dedicated so much of her time TO raising money for the hospice that looked after him, as well as the RNLI in tribute to his time as a lifeguard.

My nan and grandad’s love is something my brother, cousins and I all aspire to. Their adoration for one another was clear, and I can still hear them singing together in the kitchen. I like to think that now they’re finally back together again, having a song and a dance and big knees up. We love you Nan – thank you for everything.

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More eulogy examples

The short eulogy examples above will have hopefully given you some inspiration on how you can structure your loved one’s funeral speech or the kinds of things you can talk about. We also wanted to share some well-known examples to give you extra ideas to work with. Here are a few that have stuck with us, and might help you too:

For more advice and to connect with others who share a similar experience of loss, download the Untangle Grief app.

Grief carries a unique weight when it strikes at a young age—a lesson I learned when I lost my mother when I was 26. When grief hits when you are only just entering adulthood, it can feel like the abrupt end to childhood, a loss that profoundly alters your perception of life, death, relationships, and your own identity.

Of course, everyone’s life milestones look markedly different and are distinctly one’s own. Nobody reading this needs to be told that a definitive grief manual is unattainable, and there’s no neat series of boxes in which to divide the parts of life. There are, however, some experiences that many people will navigate or aspire to at some point: Gaining independence, falling in love, finding a career, navigating friendships, getting married and having children. And for young grievers, these are likely undergone without the person they want most by their side.

Quarter-Life Grief

What I didn’t understand when my mother was diagnosed with cancer was that grief begins at diagnosis. During her illness, I seemed like any other young person, but internally, I was in turmoil. In the weeks leading up to her death, my mother suggested something that would forever change my grief journey—she told me to find a support group for young people after she died. Intuitively, I knew this was what I needed.

The support groups I found were understandably populated by those in the middle and later stages of their lives. As bereaved people, we did share emotions and experiences, but I felt I was facing issues closely related to my particular stage in life, which were distinct from the challenges faced by middle-aged people. The premature death of a parent feels like a theft, both of the loved one and of the future you imagined with them. This is why a generic adult support group can be unappealing: older people are mourning a shared life, while a young person is mourning a future lost. If you’re surrounded by people who haven’t had the same experience, you may feel misunderstood, leading to internalised distress and feeling even more abnormal.

Quarter-life grievers find themselves within a unique cultural context. When my mum died, like many other quarter-life grievers I’ve met, I was woefully unprepared to handle it. Emerging adulthood is already a stage of life marked by instability—grief is a deeply destabilising experience, so when you experience it young, it deepens the feeling of being lost and disorientated. Your expectations and aspirations for life drastically and indefinitely change, creating a formative split in your identity – the ‘you’ before grief and the ‘you’ after. This grief becomes part of your developmental experience, shaping your identity, decisions, and adulthood. That’s why each unchartered juncture can feel tumultuous for those who have lost a loved one early in life.

Gaining independence

Whether it’s leaving school, moving away for university or reaching legal ‘adulthood’, the first taste of independence can be equally thrilling and disorienting. For many young people, this is a time to discover a new identity and experiment with going out, drinking for the first time, and making new groups of friends. It can be hedonistic before a young person finds their own limits and preferences in terms of independence. But your relationship with the ‘hedonism’ of independence can be complicated by grief.

Strobe and Schut’s modern “dual process” grief model suggests there are times when a griever needs a break from the grieving process. Recent mourners must find a balance between dedicating time to grieving and allowing themselves to rest. For those in quarter-life, the challenge lies in distinguishing whether drinking and partying serve as coping mechanisms that mask grief or if they genuinely offer some respite from it. It can help to be gentle with yourself and recognise what you’re experiencing is nuanced. Your grief isn’t black and white and cannot be categorised as either ‘coping’ or ‘not coping’. Taking time off from grief, regardless of the form it takes, is not disrespectful or inappropriate, whether this manifests in drinking, casual relationships, partying or abstaining from these activities altogether.

First Love

Intimacy and relationships are aspects of young adult life that can already be sources of insecurity, and how grief layers over that terrain is unique for every individual. I often hear stories of how physical intimacy can be a relief. Sex is so immersive that it can wash away the numbness of grief, the physicality of it pinning you to the present moment when the rest of your life feels adrift. For others, it is not so straightforward.

For those I spoke to for my book, in new romances, deciding when to reveal their grief and not knowing how the other person would respond was always a live question. In long-term relationships, grief could raise existing fault lines or show that the partner in question wasn’t emotionally supportive. Meeting someone’s family for the first time could be a very present, very visual reminder that their partner’s ‘unit’ was complete (or ‘normal’) and theirs was not. Coming to terms with their sexuality when they had no opportunity to tell their loved one was complicated. Some young grievers reported seeking new relationships to fill the gap, sometimes leading to unhealthy relationships where the new partner took advantage of their vulnerability. Quarter-life grief asks us to become independent from someone we depended on before we are ready. While that independence can become positive self-sufficiency, it can also easily tip into hyper-independence, a common trauma coping mechanism that isolates us from new attachments.

Launching a career

Grief is excellent at warping time. Fresh grief is particularly good at melting the rigidity of a calendar month. For that reason, a recently bereaved person may either enjoy the structure of work, which allows them to feel the rhythms of normality, or they may seek the opposite: to take the time to get their bearings again when their world has capsized. Society is not structured to facilitate that need. Bereavement leave is next to non-existent on a global scale. Australia and Brazil grant grieving workers two days of paid leave; Canada, two days unpaid; China, France, New Zealand, and South Africa, up to three days paid. Workers have no legal right to compassionate leave in the United States. Similarly, in the United Kingdom, compassionate leave has no statutory footing, with the single (and recent) exception of two weeks’ leave for parents who have lost a child.

Young grievers are unlikely to have the experience to assert their wish for time off or bargain for more than what is offered under company policy, if anything is offered at all. They are less likely to have any savings to draw on to take any unpaid leave or a short sabbatical from work. And at the start of your career, any gaps in your CV can risk denting later prospects or slowing progress when other people of the same age are focused on progressing as quickly as possible.

Speaking to young grievers, many talked about their shifting priorities. Instead of chasing promotions, they felt they could only focus on getting through the day. Finding a fulfilling line of work was less of a priority than finding positions that offered flexibility and understanding. On the other hand, some young grievers I spoke to found that they coped by channelling all their energy into work – but eventually realised this had stopped them from processing their grief, and they still needed to try to face it head-on years down the line.

Navigating friendships

Our friendships naturally fluctuate over time, particularly in early adulthood. Many people experience the waxing and waning of different relationships. In today’s culture, friendship can be even more complex for young people. There’s an observation that in an age of constant online connection, interpersonal connections are weaker than ever. The loneliness epidemic in young people has been compounded by pandemic lockdowns and social media.

On top of a demographic shift towards loneliness, young grievers face barriers in receiving support from their friends due to ongoing taboos and misunderstandings around grief. The UK Bereavement Commission found that almost half (46 per cent) of their respondents had no support from their friends after bereavement. This is a staggering and deeply saddening figure. While some respondents cited their wish not to burden others as a reason for not seeking help, others cited the deep discomfort they perceived in others when talking about death and dying.

Many described feeling ‘misunderstood, avoided, and abandoned’ by friends in the months and years following a bereavement, or simply that their friends had no idea how to support them, even when they wanted to. There was a particular stigma around certain types of death, such as suicide and COVID-19. Insensitive comments and the expectation that the bereaved would move on within a set amount of time heightened their sense of isolation.

All of this implies that today’s young grievers have an increased likelihood of experiencing acute isolation in grief. With this in mind, it becomes clear how significant a role friends play in the support a young griever might receive. ‘The biggest predictor of your outcome when grieving is the love and support of others,’ says Julia Samuel. Your path to healing in grief should be paved with people – those who care about you and whom you trust in all areas of your life. When a loved one dies, it’s the love of others that gives you the strength to navigate through grief.

Getting married and having children

As a society, we are well past the era when getting married and having kids were universal aspirations or norms. Despite this, many of us grow up imagining what these moments might look like for us, just as we dream about our future careers and achievements. When you lose someone, those yet-to-be-realised images are drastically altered. I felt that on one hand, getting married and having children would recreate the cosy family unit I grew up in and subsequently lost when my mother died. If I have children, parts of my mother will live on through her DNA. Perhaps my daughter would even inherit my mother’s characteristics. On the other hand, I feel terrified to take that step into parenting without my mother there to guide me.

When I speak to young people who have lost someone, this is one of their most common regrets: that their parent, sibling or friend won’t be able to give a speech at their wedding, become a grandparent, aunt, uncle or godparent, or become a parent themselves. Young grievers begin to understand that, instead of being moments of unadulterated happiness in our worlds, these maturational events and major life transitions will inevitably be undercut by a sense of sadness and loss. And there are more milestones to come, down the line: turning the age of the person who died, or becoming a grandparent when your parent wasn’t afforded the same opportunity. I spoke to plenty of people who had lived with their young grief for decades, who were still finding new ways of experiencing it even as they reached retirement.

That these bittersweet feelings can underlie life’s biggest milestones (and even smaller everyday moments) is something often only understood by other people who experienced loss at a young age. It is something many of my non-bereaved friends fail to think about – even how big, happy achievements can feel sad as I cannot share them with my mum. Finding a community of people who really get it can help you feel less alone and more understood, something I’ve found hugely comforting.

Rachel Wilson is the founder of The Grief Network, a community operated by and for young bereaved people established after Rachel’s mother died when she was in her twenties.

In her first book, Losing Young: How to Grieve When Your Life is Just Beginning, Rachel weaves together other tales of bereavement with her own. She encounters individuals who’ve lost parents, siblings, partners, and friends at a young age. Talking to people who at a young age have lost parents, siblings, partners and friends, she explores how grief interacts with key milestones: what it’s like to fall in love, land your first job or become a parent without your ‘person’ by your side. Losing Young also draws on psychological research, interviews with titans like Julia Samuel and explorations of grief in history to understand why, culturally, we are so ill-equipped to deal with grief.

It is a personal and profound book about what happens when youth is reshaped by tragedy, trauma and loss. It’s for anyone who wants to understand what a young loved one is going through, who is struggling to rediscover themselves after grief, or hopes to feel less alone.

Pre-order your copy of Losing Young here.

When I was 15, my Mum was diagnosed with an aggressive form of stomach cancer. Turns out, the doctors had been ignoring her symptoms for a couple of years because she didn’t have the typical risk factors for someone with cancer. She wasn’t overweight, didn’t smoke or drink, and this particular form of cancer doesn’t run in the family – so they weren’t looking for it.

I remember her sitting down to tell us one day in February after school. “I’ve got cancer” she told us, “but don’t worry. I’m going to have treatment and surgery and everything will be fine”.

I believed her. I didn’t know any differently and had never had any experiences with cancer before. I wasn’t prepared for what happened over the coming weeks and months.

Mum started chemo and swiftly started to lose her hair, and as the weight fell off of her it became obvious that this was really serious. We didn’t know just how serious until just three months later our Dad sat us down to tell us “Mum won’t make it through the week”.

This was the first time I realised I was going to have to face life without my Mum. That I would have to go through all my teenage milestones – like having my first boyfriend, doing my A levels and applying to University – without her by my side.

She died just three days later, at home with her four children and surrounded by family.

There’s never a good time to lose your Mum, let alone when you’re a teenager going through your GCSE exams. I was pulled out of my Maths exam to be at home with Mum when she died, and I went back into school the next day to take another exam.

As the eldest of four children, with my younger sister being just 9 years old at the time, I ended up taking on a lot of adult responsibility very early on. Not only was I having to contend with the loss of my main attachment figure, I also had to focus on my education and taking the next steps to get through exams and into Sixth Form to do my A levels whilst also picking up a lot of slack at home while my Dad was struggling with his own grief. I’d be responsible for cooking, cleaning and looking after my siblings. There wasn’t a lot of room for my grief.

So I struggled through those late teenage milestones, barely scraping through my A Levels (with multiple threats of being kicked out of Sixth Form) and I made it into University to study Business Administration.

I didn’t really want to be at University, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt completely lost and was still reeling from the trauma of losing my Mum.

I hadn’t realised until recently just how badly my world had spun off course at age 15. The future that I assumed was planned out for me, one that I’d dreamed about and was excited for, was now just a faint image in the distance. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore except that I wanted my Mum so desperately and I was sorely missing that safe, secure relationship that I didn’t have with anyone else.

Having not had the space to grieve properly I found myself struggling with bad anxiety and depression all through my late teens and early twenties. At about age 23, it got to a point where it was so bad I had no other option but to get some support.

I reached out to a local counselling organisation to speak with someone about the challenges I’d been facing. It was the first time I’d had an open and non judgemental space to talk about everything that had happened over the last eight years. For the first time I was able to create the smallest window of space to air those really difficult feelings I’d kept bottled up inside. The ones I’d kept under lock and key for fear that if they came out they’d overwhelm me and I’d not be able to recover, like I’d never make it out from under the weight of them.

Over time I started to feel like I could breathe again, like my lungs had just a bit more space to expand. I knew I was ready to find some inspiration to ‘start’ my life, but I didn’t know where to begin. I looked at people in my circle to see what they were doing with their lives and if there was anything that might spark some creative joy within me.

At the time, my cousin was training to be a Play Therapist. I’d never heard of Play Therapy before but it sounded intriguing. She explained to me that it’s like counselling for children, but rather than using words to describe how they’re feeling or what they’ve been through they use toys and play. “Play is the natural language of children”, she told me.

In that moment I realised that something major had been lacking for me and my younger siblings when we were dealing with the trauma and grief of losing our Mum. We hadn’t had anyone we could talk to, or anywhere we could go to blow off steam and be children, with someone who understood how we might be feeling. All of the adults in our lives were also grieving and it made it hard for them to really give us what we needed at the time. No one at school was well equipped enough to support us either – we really were left alone in our separate grief processes.

As soon as my cousin explained Play Therapy to me, I knew I’d found something special – something inspiring. I wanted to provide Play Therapy to children and young people who’d faced trauma so they didn’t have to go through the same isolating and frightening experiences that I had. I set my mind to providing a service to local children through their schools, and started raising money.

Over the next decade I worked hard to build up a Play Therapy charity in Oxfordshire, one that would go on to win awards and support hundreds of children and families. Clear Sky Children’s Charity was born from my desire to make sure other children and young people didn’t feel so alone when they were facing really difficult things in life. I went on to do a Masters in Play Therapy and learn about ways that parents play a crucial role in children’s mental health, and how strong relationships (with remaining parents / carers) can provide protection for the developing minds of children and young people.

From my Masters research I devised a 6 step programme for parents and carers, called Treasure Time, to develop the strong foundations of good mental health, with strong communication and secure attachment between their children and themselves.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but all of the work I was doing in the charity and with Treasure Time was part of me processing my loss. I found I could fill in missing pieces of my puzzle by learning about the way children experience and process trauma. I understood why I’d struggled so much with the loss of my Mum and that I really lacked age appropriate support when I needed it the most.

I realise now that seeing a child in pain, especially your own child, can be extremely triggering for parents. If you’re also grieving it might feel like an impossible situation to overcome. My best advice for parents is that your child really needs you to bring them in closer to you during this time. It’s easy for families to fracture after the loss of a parent in particular. Everyone has their own grief journey and you might not be on the same path at the same time. Everyone’s experience is valid.

Where you can, normalise grieving. Normalise having conversations about the person you’ve lost. Acknowledge there will be days when you cry, and days that you laugh and everything in between. But you need to do parts of the journey together. It’s easy for children to feel isolated and scared when they’ve lost someone close to them, and this can make them vulnerable. To best protect your children and to preserve their mental health you need to make sure the relationship you have with them is strong and secure so that they know they can turn to you and count on you when they need your help.

Sophia is a Play Therapist and Founder of Clear Sky Children’s Charity & Treasure Time an organisation that supports children impacted by trauma through Play and Creative Arts Therapy, which she founded because of the experience of losing her Mum as a teenager.

After losing someone you love, it’s not unusual to feel lonely or like nobody else understands. All grief is relative, and how you process your grief is something that’s completely unique to you. However, for many of us, bottling up our emotions is a common ‘coping’ mechanism; one that often leads to even deeper feelings of loneliness and a sense of isolation. This is one of many reasons grief counselling is recommended after a bereavement, but we know that seeking help can feel a little bit scary at first. To help you take that step, we’ve rounded up what you need to know about grief counselling; from why it’s so useful to the different types that are available to you. We hope it helps.

How do I know if I need grief counselling?

Technically, there is no wrong or right time to consider grief counselling, and you don’t have to fit a certain criteria in order to seek help. However, many counsellors will tell you to wait a few months until after your loss, so you have had some time to process all that has happened and how it has changed your life. It’s never too late to get started, even if the bereavement first took place years ago, and there are no ‘rules’ on how difficult you must be finding your grief.

Grief counselling isn’t only for those mourning the death of a friend, family member or pet, either; there are other types of loss it can help you process, such as a divorce, losing a job or an estrangement. The fact that you’re grieving is reason enough for you to look into grief counselling, and there are certain signs that help may be essential. Here’s what to be aware of:

What type of therapy is used for grief?

There are many different types of bereavement counselling available, and some you may find are more useful than others, depending on how you are currently dealing with your grief. Below are four of the most common, but if you’re not sure where to start, you can also get advice through our therapy booking service.

1. Talking therapy

This is what many of us think of when we hear the words ‘grief counselling’. The clue is in the name with this type of therapy; it involves simply talking to your counsellor about how you’re feeling and what has led you to seeking their help. Sometimes, just speaking your truth can help you better process what has happened to you, and understand a way forward that makes the loss more bearable. This is often the ‘starting point’ for people looking into grief counselling, and some go on to explore other types of therapy (such as the ones you’ll see below).

2. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)

CBT is actually a type of talking therapy, which is used to help you and your counsellor identify negative thought patterns so you can work to gradually change them. Studies show that it can have a big impact on the quality of your life, as it helps you reframe troubling thoughts, behaviours or habits and turn them into something that helps you. You may even find it changes the narrative surrounding your loss, and allows you to dwell less on the things that hurt you.

3. Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy (EMDR)

The trauma of a loss can impact you both physically and mentally, resulting in a fight, flight or freeze response that makes your grief feel too overwhelming to process. If this sounds familiar, and you find certain triggers put you back in your trauma (such as seeing someone who resembles the person who died or smelling their perfume), EMDR therapy could help you ‘unlock’ that trauma and work through it. This won’t take the memories away, but it will make them more manageable, and help you break cycles of self-blame or guilt.

4. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)

ACT works on your ability to accept what has happened and the events surrounding your loss, rather than running away from it or trying to avoid it altogether. This type of therapy is sometimes helpful if you’re dealing with prolonged or complicated grief, as it’s designed to help you come to terms with your emotions, and develop techniques to overcome times when it hurts the most.

What do you talk about in grief counselling?

No matter what type of grief counselling you choose, expect to talk about the loved one you have lost, what they mean to you, and how you have been coping with your bereavement. It’s important you feel comfortable speaking with your counsellor, so they will work to establish a relationship with you before discussing anything that might be upsetting. From there, the way the conversation progresses depends on both you and your counsellor. Remember, their aim is to help you, and you can pause at any time if you want to.

How do I get grief counselling?

There are various ways you can go about seeking help to manage your grief. To get started, we recommend one of these simple routes:

And don’t forget, urgent help is always available with the Samaritans. Do not suffer in silence; you can call 116 123 for free at any time, day or night.

To meet others who share a similar experience of loss, as well as access to 30+ support groups, get the Untangle app.
We’re all in this terrible club together.

‘How long does grief last?’ It’s a question we often hear in the early days of a bereavement, when the future feels uncertain and you’re not sure what to expect from the journey ahead. Here, we talk about the importance of not setting timelines as you go through your grief, and why everyone’s experience is unique.

So, how long does grief last?

The truth is, it’s different for everyone. There is no timeline for grief and, unfortunately, it doesn’t have an expiry date. It simply takes as long as it takes. What’s important is that you give yourself time to experience loss in your own way, without setting expectations or timelines, or feeling frustrated that it’s taking longer than you hoped.

Every loss is different, and how you process your grief is unique to you. That’s why, while some may start to feel better within weeks, others could find it takes months or years. Many of us at Untangle have come to realise that our grief will never fully go away, but that our day-to-day lives have become more manageable as time has gone on.

It reminds us of Lois Tonkin’s theory that grief stays with us, but our life grows around that loss. It’s always there and it’s always the same size, but slowly you rebuild your world around it. How that grief presents itself can change, too. While, in the early days, it might be a very physical experience, later on it might be more emotional, but without the brain fog or exhaustion you felt at first. Usually, these feelings come in waves that hit stronger on some days, and gentler on others. Roll with them, knowing that a calmer tide is on the horizon, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

What are the seven stages of grief after death?

How long does each stage of grief last?

The idea was first introduced as five stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, before ‘shock and denial’ and ‘acceptance’ were later added on. But we’ll be honest: at Untangle, we see these stages as something of a myth. While you might experience all of the symptoms above, the idea of a ‘checklist’ or a ‘correct’ way to grieve ignores how unique the grieving process is.

However, if you do go through these stages, know that the timing is different for everyone. Some of them may be fleeting, some may come and go, and some you may never feel at all. While these stages have often been interpreted as being in a set order, Kübler-Ross made it clear in her writing that they are not linear.

Check out our extensive guide to the stages of grief, including what to expect and how to cope.

What does grief do to your body?

Grieving isn’t just an emotional process. It can be surprisingly physical too, leaving you exhausted, achy, restless and even with cold or flu-like symptoms. Your mind and body are run down and burnt out, and you might feel that way for weeks or even months. It’s one of many reasons why taking a break is needed in those early stages of a bereavement.

How long does grief fatigue last?

We wish we could tell you that it’s ending soon, but like all stages of grief, it takes as long as it takes to get over grief fatigue. Not only is your mind in overdrive and your body coping with a trauma, but you might also be suffering from insomnia, which adds to the exhaustion. Our advice is always patience, but if you feel that grief fatigue is lasting too long for you (not for someone else), you can speak to a doctor about ways to improve your sleep or energy levels. They might be able to offer suggestions on establishing a new sleep pattern, or vitamins to take that will support your body during this difficult time.

How long does grief brain fog last?

Brain fog is an all too common (and often frustrating) symptom of grief, but try not to be hard on yourself if you find you’re more forgetful in the first weeks or months after a loved one dies. There’s a lot of new information for your brain to process, both in terms of the actual loss and shock, and in terms of any difficult ‘death admin’ you may have to do. Where possible, lean on the help of others for the admin side of things. (Reading our ‘What to do when someone dies’ complete guide may help also.) The brain fog should start to clear with time, as you overcome the shock.

How long does pet grief last?

Pets are family, so when they pass away, the loss is heartbreaking – whether it’s a dog, a cat or another beloved animal. You haven’t just lost a loved one, but often a sense of routine that was built around caring for your pet. And, to make it harder, not everyone will always understand this kind of grief if they’ve not been through it.

Scientific American says that, after the loss of a pet, acute grief can last two months, with symptoms of grief persisting up to a full year (on average). But, again, we recommend you never put a timeline on your feelings. We at Untangle have experienced this kind of grief, and know how hard it is to adjust to life without your pet. This is your reminder to not bottle up your feelings, and to find people who understand what you’re going through. One day you’ll be able to reflect on all your pet’s funny, unique quirks with a smile.

Does grief last forever?

It can – and that’s okay. Grief may stay with you forever, but it won’t always feel as hard or all-consuming as it does right now. In the future, you might find that it’s triggered by a birthday or an anniversary – or just an unexpected memory. But the days in between will start to feel normal again, and missing your loved one will be more manageable. Some things that can help you on this journey include:

Speaking to HR or a trusted manager at work. Returning to work after a bereavement can be difficult, so it’s important you get the support you need.

A note on complicated grief

Feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness are common when grieving. However, you may be dealing with complicated grief if you:

Complicated grief is an ongoing state of mourning that will often be debilitating, but there are ways to find happiness in your life again. It’s important that you speak to a loved one or a doctor, who will be able to help you access the support you need, whether that’s individual therapy or medicine. You don’t have to struggle alone.

If you want to share how you’re feeling, ask questions to others who have lost or simply read their stories, head on over to the Untangle community via the Untangle Grief app.

Bereavement cards, also known as sympathy cards, can mark the death of a family member, friend or pet. A bereavement card is a nice way to show someone you’re thinking about them after a loss.

Bereavement cards are typically sent immediately following a loss, but you could also send one to mark a poignant occasion. For example, you might wish to acknowledge an anniversary or send a special first Christmas card after bereavement. You could even make a note in your diary to remind you every year.

What makes a good bereavement card?

A good bereavement card comes from the heart and is written with the recipient in mind.

Our tips:

Be authentic. Speak from the heart to reflect your relationship with the person receiving the card and their loved one who has died.

Acknowledge their pain. It’s ok to acknowledge the pain of loss and let the bereaved person express their pain. Don’t encourage them to ‘keep their chin up’ or ‘stay positive’.

Don’t compare your own loss. In most instances, it’s unhelpful to focus on yourself by talking about your own loss when someone is recently bereaved. However, there might be an exception if it’s highly relevant, for example, if you’ve both had a loss under the same unusual circumstances.

Be specific with offers for help. Although you might mean it when you say, “Let me know if I can help”, it leaves the responsibility on the bereaved person to reach out. Instead, try offering something specific, for example, “I can get your groceries and leave them on the doorstep”.

What should you write in a bereavement card?

It can be hard to know what to write in a bereavement card, and many people worry about saying the wrong thing. Remember that the person for whom you’re buying the card is likely to simply appreciate the kind gesture.

There is no right or wrong way to send a message of condolence, and nothing anyone can write in a card will take away the pain of loss. However, some thoughtful, kind words can go a long way in helping someone find comfort in their grief.

Examples

Here are a few examples of good sympathy messages you could include in your bereavement card.

A short, simple message to acknowledge their grief.

Offering practical or emotional support can help a recently bereaved person feel less alone.

Religious messages

Personalised message

Don’t be afraid to talk about special memories you have with the person who has died. It can be very comforting for the people left behind to hear stories about their loved one’s life.

Where to find bereavement cards

There are plenty of great places to find bereavement cards in the UK. Before you start looking, think about the style of the card that might suit that person. Perhaps they have a strong faith and would get comfort from a religious card, or would appreciate you acknowledging the passing of their beloved pet with a dog bereavement card.

On the high street

Some people like to see and feel bereavement cards before making a choice. Many well established high street chains specialise in greetings cards, including Hallmark, Clinton Cards and Card Factory. Many of these stores can be found in your local town or city and feature a range of bereavement cards at different prices.

Supermarkets and convenience stores

Most supermarkets and convenience stores carry a line of greetings cards, although the selection of bereavement cards may be limited in smaller shops.

Online greetings cards suppliers

Online greetings cards stores include Moonpig, Thortful and Funky Pigeon. There are a few notable benefits to choosing and buying a bereavement card online.

To meet others who share a similar experience of loss, as well as access to our parent loss support group, join the Untangle app.
We’re all in this terrible club together.

Losing both of your parents, no matter what age you are, can be painful and scary. You may find that your family structure has suddenly changed and the people you’ve depended on for years aren’t there any more to support you. It can be exposing, vulnerable and lonely.

If you’ve heard terms like ‘adult orphan’, ‘double parental bereavement’ or ‘double parental loss’ being used to describe your situation, you may be wondering what this all actually means. ‘Adult orphan’ is not a term we usually like to use at Untangle, but we understand that you may have some questions around it. So we’ve put together a guide to help make things a little easier and less confusing. In this guide we’ll look into answering important questions like:

Our work at Untangle means that we’ve seen up close how there’s no universal way to experience grief. Going through something as defining and unique as losing both of your parents can be a very lonely thing to experience. You may have a partner, children or you may be surrounded by friends and family, but when both of your parents die, it’s very normal to feel a sudden and strong sense of loneliness.

Don’t forget, you’re not alone. In this guide we’ve added in a few ways to help you manage your grief and get through the hardest days, but if you’re looking to talk to people who are going through similar experiences, join our community here.

Can an adult be an orphan?

When you think of an orphan, you’ll probably be thinking of someone under the age of 18 who has lost both of their parents. An adult, with real-life responsibilities like paying bills or having a full-time job or even having kids of their own, may not be the first image that comes to mind.

In Emily Dean’s article ‘Things you only know if you’re an adult orphan’ she talks about how the word ‘orphan’ just feels strange when it’s used by an adult. As she says, “Orphans have tight, red 1970s perms and kindly wealthy benefactors. They don’t have mortgages and powerful anti-ageing creams”.

While the textbook definition of an orphan is a child who has lost both parents, adults can be considered orphans too. The word orphan has expanded broadly over time, so it can be used to describe anyone who has lost their biological parents.

The term ‘adult orphan’ is commonly used to describe someone who has lost both parents in adulthood.

What is orphan syndrome?

Orphan syndrome is a psychological condition that can come from losing one or both parents. It’s not always caused by something physical, like your mum or dad (or both parents) dying, it can also be caused by an emotional loss of parents that comes through neglect or abandonment.

Orphan syndrome is sometimes known as ‘abandoned child syndrome’ when it’s seen in children.

What does orphan syndrome in adults look like?

Orphan syndrome in adults is a type of anxiety. It can look different for everyone and it comes in many shapes and sizes. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to experience grief; grief can turn your world upside down, and it can impact our lives in very different ways.

People experiencing grief that’s caused by double parental loss, sometimes talk about something called ‘grief brain’. ‘Grief brain’ is what happens to your brain when you’re overloaded with feelings like sadness, loneliness and grief. It can affect your memory and concentration and lead to sleeping difficulties, anxiety and even migraines.

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and lonely after losing both of your parents. If you’re looking for support to help you through it, or to connect with people experiencing something similar, you can join our wonderful and supportive community here.

What does becoming an orphan in your 20s, 40s, 50s and beyond feel like?

Experiencing the loss of one parent is incredibly painful no matter what age you are, but going through double parental loss as an adult can bring on entirely new feelings of grief. Some people say that it causes a sudden questioning of your identity and your own mortality.

Caron Kemp lost both of her parents by the time she was 36. In an article written for Cosmopolitan, Caron describes the impact that losing both parents and becoming an ‘adult orphan’ had on her sense of identity.

“I lost my identity as someone’s daughter, I lost the family and friends only connected to me through them, and I lost anything standing in the pecking order between me and my own demise”.

Losing both parents as an adult can also trigger feelings of grief you thought were behind you, and this can sometimes be latent grief for the first parent you lost.

It’s a very human reaction to keep yourself busy after experiencing a significant loss, like the death of a parent. People often find that there’s so much going on and plenty of welcome distractions at first. Organising the funeral, notifying friends and family, sorting out their estate and will. The list goes on.

But once the dust settles, you may find you have more time to think about what’s happened, and that’s when we often see the grief start to sink in. It’s at this point that we see the loss of a second parent uncover feelings of grief for the loss of the first parent. These are often feelings that people may have thought they’d put behind them.

If you’re grieving the loss of one or both parents, you can chat to our team of experts for advice and grief support by joining our community here.

Our work at Untangle has shown us how people who have lost one parent often find support in others who have been through something similar. But people who have lost both parents can often feel very lonely and isolated.

Double parental loss changes your familial status, and this can be particularly isolating if you find yourself as an ‘adult orphan’ early in your adult life.

Joel Golby wrote for the Guardian of his experience becoming an orphaned adult in his 20s, saying “instances of grief, I have found, are unique, two never coming in the same shape. There is no one single catch-all solution.”

There’s often an assumption that once you’ve dealt with grief once, you’ll know how it feels and understand how it works. You’ll have a list of tools and strategies and a support system to rely on. But each time you experience grief can actually feel very different from the other experiences you have.

How to cope with the loss of both parents?

Coping with the loss of both parents is an incredibly difficult thing to go through. There’s no magic fix to help get rid of the pain and sadness that can come from being an orphaned adult. For some people, the grief of losing both parents comes as a shock. For others, it’s a slow and overwhelming realisation that things have changed.

“The loss of a second parent can mean the loss of the home you grew up in. It could mean the loss of rituals that have lasted a lifetime, the loss of habits and practises that have lasted for decades,” said Bella DePaulo, a social science researcher at the University of California at Santa Barbara who has written about the resulting loss when parents die.

We’ve put together a few ways to help you cope with double parental loss – it won’t take away the grief, but it’ll hopefully make things a bit easier.

Try not to dismiss your feelings or minimise your loss by telling yourself that your parents ‘had a good run’ or ‘it was their time to go’. These are often things we tell ourselves (or others) to help make death seem like a natural part of life. And while it may be true, sometimes saying things like this can undermine our very real feelings.

Make time for your grief, whether you’ve lost your parents in your 20s or 60s. There’s a lot to take in and it’ll take some time for you to adapt.

We’ve seen members of our community stay bonded to their parents through doing small things like supporting their parent’s favourite charity, making their favourite meal once a week, or visiting their favourite restaurant.

Take time to listen to the music they loved, put up photographs of your parents around your house, bake a cake to celebrate their birthday and don’t be afraid to talk to family and friends about what they were like. Don’t forget, your loved ones want to support you through this grief, and you won’t be burdening them by opening up.

Grief can manifest itself in physical and emotional ways; taking time to connect with both your body and what’s going on in your mind, is important. Try to move every day – whether it’s a walk, yoga, a run or even dancing in your room with the curtains closed. Practise self-compassion and kindness and celebrate the small wins in life.

No matter how hard your friends and family try to support you, becoming an orphan in adulthood is something that’s incredibly hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it themselves. Find a community of people who have gone through this too, so you can turn to them for support when you need it. Reach out to people you know from your friendship group or work who have recently lost a second parent, meet them for coffee and talk to them about how you feel.

To meet others who share a similar experience of loss, including access to over 25+ support spaces, download the Untangle app.
We’re all in this terrible club together.

The late bell hooks knew that where there is grief, there is powerful, enduring love. “In its deepest sense,” she wrote, “grief is a burning of the heart, an intense heat that gives us solace and release.” Whether you have lost someone yourself or are comforting another who has lost a loved one, it can feel like there is nothing that can be said to make it better. But as exemplified by bell hooks, the greatest grief quotes provide comfort by sharing an experience of this pain.

Collected from the work of historic writers, poets, and songwriters, the following quotes incorporate a number of perspectives to guide through feelings of grief and loss. They stand apart from the rest— offering wisdom about living with their memory, absence, and the grieving process itself.

Find the words you need in our collection of the greatest quotes about grief and healing below.

Quotes about grief and memories:

Quotes about loss:

Quotes about grief:

That rounds out our collection of 35 quotes about grief and healing. We hope that some of the quotes on this list can provide comfort or clarity for you and yours, or to send to anyone grieving. Whose words have you resonated with when processing a loss? And for free grief support, click here.

If you lost someone you loved in 2021, our condolences. We at Untangle know how hard this is. Feelings, especially in that first year, can prove very mixed: Sad that they’re gone, lonely in your grief, angry at the world for carrying on and sometimes, relieved that they’re no longer suffering.

Whilst grief isn’t linear and whilst these feelings don’t necessarily lessen, you will adjust and learn to live alongside them.

Changing times

The New Year can bring to grievers a sense of trepidation. For the first time, you won’t be able to say that you lost someone this year. Suddenly, you lost them ‘last year’ and you become acutely aware that they won’t ever know 2022.

“It’s okay to lean into that feeling and to recognise that you have lost something significant within these last 12 months,” says Clinical Psychologist Dr Marianne Trent of Good Thinking Psychological Services. “It’s totally normal that it might feel hard to fathom a year that your loved one will never know.”

You may also worry that friends and family might not check in as often, and in the team’s experience, many of them won’t. People, especially those lucky enough not to have experienced close loss, won’t know how important that is. But some will keep checking in, and they will prove a Godsend. Take the matter into your own hands and ask people to check in. Your loved ones will want to do what’s right by you, so find a time to air these anxieties with them.

“If you can, open up to other people you know who have been through similar experiences to you,” says Behavioural Psychologist Jo Hemmings. “According to research by Recognised, 48% of us feel less alone when we hear people share the same struggles we face. But if you’re the first of your friends going through this, don’t be afraid to speak to them as well.”

Don’t suffer alone

The same research showed that 47% of Brits said that they suffered in silence (with an issue of their feelings) in the last 18 months because they didn’t want to burden others but 41% believe that the pandemic has made them more able to empathise and put themselves in other people’s shoes. “So you might be surprised at how much they understand or can recognise how you’re feeling,” Hemmings says.

And don’t concern yourself with ‘timelines’ either. Grief doesn’t have an expiry date. “It’s okay to still be moved by your grief and not to be too concerned whether people think you should be ‘over it by now’ because it happened last year,” Dr Trent explains. Grief comes in waves, sometimes you will feel fine, and sometimes you won’t.

Complicated feelings

Guilt can also be a common feeling at this time of year. “It’s really common that people report that they feel guilty about getting to carry on,” Dr Trent continues, but it’s okay to feel okay right now. “We don’t deserve to suffer and it is absolutely fine for you to turn your face towards the sun again and enjoy the warmth it has to offer.”

You can go further than that too. Why not use this time of year to take extra good care of yourself? It’s a lovely way to honour your loved one and what they would have wanted. “Make sure you’re making time for self care and exercise,” says Jo Hemmings. “Maybe go for a cycle, brisk walk or have a workout? Or go online and offer your empathy and support to others who may be grieving and alone.” The Untangle Forum and Chats spaces are the perfect place to start.

Marking time mindfully

And if you’re feeling ready to end a year in which you’ve known such pain and face the new year head on, acknowledging this time in a mindful way can prove healing. “Some people find it helpful to mark the passing of someone they loved with something which will continue to grow, such as a plant or tree,” says Dr Trent. “It can give a mindful focus for loving and tending and allow us to assimilate the time since loss with growth.”

Or, make 2022 the year when you learn to live with your loss. Finding the perfect therapist can take time, but therapy can help you to understand and process your feelings. Untangle can match you with the perfect grief therapist using one quick questionnaire.

However, if you’re in crisis right now, get help straight away. Dr Trent says: “If you are concerned about your wellbeing, ability to function, the number of mounting problems and your risk level it’s really important that you reach out for support via your Doctor, mental health team or an accredited therapy service.”

Here for others

And finally, if you’re here because you’re trying to help someone who is grieving, firstly kudos for signing up to Untangle. You’re already trying to educate yourself on grief and are working hard to make them feel a little less alone. But it can be a lot simpler than that.

“It’s easy to get swept up in the business of our everyday lives but if you have friends of family members you know are going through a hard time, take a moment to check in with them,” Jo Hemmings says. “According to research by Recognised, what makes Brits feel the most valued and appreciated is the simple act of someone checking in to see if they are okay.

“Small gestures of kindness or compassion, like sending a quick text or giving someone a call, can often have a more positive impact on our well-being, than grand or expensive gestures. It shows us that people are considering our feelings as well as understanding them, which in turn immediately boosts our levels of oxytocin and serotonin – hormones which can help us feel calmer and happier – while reducing our stress hormone, cortisol.“

However you choose to see in the New Year, we hope the above advice helps you to realise that you’re not alone in facing a new chapter of your life. Join our free community to speak to others in the same position and know you’re not alone on New Year’s Eve.

Dr Marianne Trent is a Clinical Psychologist with Good Thinking Psychological Services and author of The Grief Collective.

Jo Hemmings has been working with social impact jewellery brand, Recognised. Together they have released a report on how the nation is feeling in the run up to Christmas and how recognition could be the key to our mental wellbeing. Find out more at www.recognisedstore.com/recognition

We asked members of our community what they think are the best books on grief and loss.

Ranging from psychotherapist studies to books for children, here is a list of 30 books that you might find useful whilst grieving yourself, or as a thoughtful gift to send to a loved one who might be going through a loss.

1. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia author C.S. Lewis had been married to his wife for four blissful years. When she died of cancer in 1960, he found himself alone, inconsolable in his grief. In this intimate journal, A Grief Observed chronicles the aftermath of the bereavement and mourning with blazing honesty. He grapples with a crisis of religious faith, navigating hope, rage, despair, and love – but eventually regains his bearings, finding his way back to life.

2. A Half Baked Idea by Olivia Potts

At the moment her mother died, grief pushed Olivia into the kitchen. She came home from her job as a criminal barrister miserable and tired, and baked soda bread, pizza, and chocolate banana cake.

She found comfort in jams and solace in pies, and what began as a distraction from grief became a way of building a life outside grief, a way of surviving, and making sense of her life without her mum. A Half Baked Idea follows Olivia’s journey through her grief, whilst studying at Le Cordon Bleu – despite not being able to cook!

3. All At Sea by Decca Aitkenhead

On a hot still morning on a beautiful beach in Jamaica, Decca Aitkenhead’s life changed forever. Her four-year-old boy was paddling peacefully at the water’s edge when a wave pulled him out to sea. Her partner, Tony, swam out and saved their son’s life then drowned before her eyes. Exploring race and redemption, privilege and prejudice, All At Sea is a remarkable story of love and loss, of how one couple changed each other’s lives and of what a sudden death can do to the people who survive.

4. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande

Being Mortal is a book about the modern experience of mortality – what it’s like to get old and die, how medicine has changed this and how it has not, where our ideas about death have gone wrong. With his trademark mix of perceptiveness and sensitivity, Gawande outlines a story that crosses the globe, as he examines his experiences as a surgeon and those of his patients and family, and learns to accept the limits of what he can do.

5. Bird Therapy by Joe Harkness

When Joe Harkness suffered a breakdown in 2013, he tried all the things his doctor recommended: medication helped, counselling was enlightening, and mindfulness grounded him. But nothing came close to nature, particularly birds.

The positive change in Joe’s wellbeing was so profound that he started a blog to record his experience. Three years later he became a spokesperson for the benefits of birdwatching, spreading the word everywhere from Radio 4 to Downing Street. In this groundbreaking book filled with practical advice, Bird Therapy explains the impact that birdwatching had on his life, and invites the reader to discover these extraordinary effects for themselves.

6. Cheer the F**k up by Jack Rooke

Part comedic memoir, part advice guide, this book is a fresh and timely take on a huge issue very close to Jack’s heart – in 2015, while working as an ambassador for a male mental health charity, he lost one of his best friends to suicide.

Taking you on a journey through his life and experiences with grief, sexuality, depression and more, Jack offers his own frank and powerful advice on how best to have meaningful conversations about a loved one’s state of mind. Hilarious and heart-breaking in equal measure, Cheer the F**K Up will definitely make you laugh and might just make you cry, but it could also help save a life.

7. Everything Is Horrible and Wonderful: A Tragicomic Memoir of Genius, Heroin, Love and Loss by Stephanie Wittels Wachs

A memoir of family, addiction, and grief from the sister of Harris Wittels, the Parks and Recreation writer whose death shocked the comedy world. In Everything Is Horrible and Wonderful Stephanie Wittels Wachs alternates between her brother’s struggle with addiction, which she learned about three days before her wedding, and the first year after his death, in all its emotional devastation. A profound exploration of the love between siblings, it will make you laugh, cry, and wonder if that possum on the fence is really your brother’s spirit animal.

8. Finding Joy by Gary Andrews

When his wife, Joy, died very suddenly, a daily drawing became the way Gary Andrews dealt with his grief. From learning how to juggle his kids’ playdates and single-handedly organising Christmas, to getting used to the empty side of the bed, Gary’s honest and often hilarious illustrations have touched the hearts of thousands on social media. Finding Joy is the story of how one family learned to live again after tragedy.

9. Grief Is the Thing with Feathers by Max Porter

A Sunday Times ‘Top 100 Novel of the 21st Century’, this story centres around two young boys in London who have just lost their mother suddenly. Their father cannot imagine life moving forwards without this deep sadness. In a moment of despair, the family are visited by Crow – and they are unsure whether he is an antagonist, a trickster, a babysitter – or indeed a healer.

The bird becomes attached to the family in the depths of their grief, and promises he will stay until they no longer need his guidance. Grief Is the Thing with Feathers is full of humour and emotional depth, and the truths about grief will stay with you for a long time.

10. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

A collection of thoughtful words to provide comfort and inspiration – for anyone who has lost a loved one. Healing After Loss would also make a great gift!

11. How to Grieve Like a Champ by Lianna Champ

Lianna Champ is a bereavement counsellor, and has over forty years experience in funeral care. Lianna is passionate about improving our relationship with our own mortality, and feels strongly that if we have a good life, we can die well too. How to Grieve Like a Champ is both emotionally comforting and practical, and presented in a way that even those in the depths of grief with a short attention span can easily digest the information and be comforted by her inspirational words.

12. Humankind: A Hopeful History by Rutger Bregman

A Sunday Times and New York Times bestseller, Humankind argues against the classic narrative that human beings are all naturally selfish and self-interested. Bregman argues that the trust and cooperation, rather than distrust and competition, can be traced back to the beginning of humanity. Bregman takes some of the world’s most famous case studies and events and frames them in a positive light, showing how believing that people can be altruistic and kind can help achieve real change in society.

13. It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine

Megan Devine explores why our culture treats grief like something to be cured as quickly as possible, even though it is ‘a natural and sane response to loss.’ Devine has experienced grief from both sides – as a therapist and also as a woman after losing her partner in a tragic accident.

Using her experience, she writes truthfully about love, loss and healing, and debunks the myth of returning to a ‘normal’ life – instead preferring to invite you to build life alongside your grief. A mixture of stories, tips, research and mindfulness, It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok offers a unique guide to the experience we will all face at one stage or another in our lives.

14. Languages of Loss: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Through Grief by Sasha Bates

From her lived experience as a therapist, and after unexpectedly losing her husband Bill at only 49 years old, Sasha Bates finds a way to manage her pain by looking back over all she has learnt from her psychotherapeutic research and theories of grief, to help her navigate this new reality.

Languages of Loss breaks down taboos and tries to find light moments and humour in the necessary conversation about what death and loss means. Highly recommended for those in the first few months of their loss, this book supports readers through the pain and gives them permission to explore all their feelings. The main message is that everyone grieves differently, but knowing more about the theory can help you feel less alone and reflect upon how far you’ve come.

15. Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and prominent Viennese psychiatrist, tells his story and observations on the ways both he and others coped in Auschwitz, noticing that often those who provided comfort and showed kindness towards others survived for the longest.

He notes that even when everything is taken away from us, we still have the ability to choose how we behave and react. He concludes that humankind’s biggest wish is to search for a sense of purpose. Man’s Search For Meaning gives us a way to transcend our pain and suffering, and find reasons to keep on living.

16. Modern Loss: Candid Conversation about Grief. Beginners Welcome by Rebecca Soffer and Gabrielle Birkner

From the two co-founders of the website Modern Loss that ‘redefined mourning’ according to the New York Times, this collection of essays and tips guides the reader through grief in the modern age. Taken from insights and stories from the Modern Loss community, this book changes the dialogue around grief with wise and funny anecdotes that help the reader to cry, laugh, identify and grieve, and most importantly find empathy.

A host of guest contributors also give their unique takes on all aspects of grief and loss, including secrets, inheritance and triggers. Modern Loss invites you to talk openly and intimately about grief, confronting our own mortality with some humour along the way. Beginners welcome.

17. Not That Kind of Love by Clare and Greg Wise

Based on Clare Wise’s blog that she started after receiving a cancer diagnosis in 2013, this book follows the ups and downs of the last few years of her life. Full of candour and warmth rather than despair, Clare’s positive energy and dynamic personality fill every page.

In the later stages when she became too weak to type, her brother Greg took over, and the book offers poignant thoughts of the beauty of life, and the necessity of talking about death. Not That Kind of Love focuses on celebrating the small things, such as wearing ‘matching socks as you leave the house in the morning’ – and anything above that is a bonus in the act of living.

18. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

A famous and celebrated psychological study from the late twentieth century, On Grief and Grieving came out of Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ renowned seminar on life and death. It explores the five stages of grief – denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Kubler-Ross gives you a better understanding of how death affects everyone involved, and hopes to bring hope to the reader.

19. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant

Sheryl Sandberg lost her husband Dave suddenly in 2015, aged only forty-eight. The lives of her family were turned upside down and she couldn’t imagine finding any joy or meaning again.

When she was talking to her friend about how she felt whilst missing Dave, her friend told her: “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the s*** out of Option B.” Sandberg explains that we all face Option B at points in our lives – whether that’s dealing with losing jobs, losing love or losing lives.

Option B mixes Sandberg’s experiences with research findings from Adam Grant and other social scientists, featuring stories from those who overcame hardship – personal and professional. It offers tips on how to deal with hard times in our own lives, and how to help others too. It also looks into pre-traumatic growth, and how we can raise resilient children and create strong communities – to find real joy and love in life.

20. Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe by Laura Lynne Jackson

Signs is a hopeful book, teaching you how to recognise and interpret messages from loved ones and guiding you through spiritual connections.

A psychic medium, Jackson has the ability to communicate with those who have passed away, send messages of love and gain a better understanding of these connections. She believes everyone can have these abilities, using the ‘secret language of the universe’ and recognising the signs.

Signs relays a mixture of stories from those who have found spiritual connections with their loved ones, and also draws from her own experiences – creating a book that is comforting, practical and motivational. Once we notice these signs, we can see light in the darkness and find meaning where before there was only confusion, allowing us to engage with life in a different way and pursue joy.

21. Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies by T.J. Wray

After losing her brother aged 43, T.J. Wray found that sibling grief often went unacknowledged, and this type of loss is rarely socially recognised. Surviving the Death of a Sibling helps others who have lost a brother or sister feel that they are not alone, and to understand their unique grieving process.

Warm and insightful, with tips such as using a grief journal and how to deal with insensitive remarks from others, this book offers rich guidance and ways to cope.

22. The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy

A book of hope, The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse follows four unlikely friends as they tell their stories and share the life lessons they’ve learnt along the way. A mixture of beautiful illustrations and poignant thoughts, Mackesy explores feelings that we can all relate to.

23. The Heavy Bag by Sarah Surgey

A book for children, The Heavy Bag follows a little girl named Enid who has recently lost her grandad. She feels the weight of all her emotions and feelings in her bag that she carries whilst on walk.

Along the road, she meets different people who encourage her to take out an item from her bag, and share how she is feeling. Each item represents a stage of grief, and as she unloads them, it gets easier and she continues walking with a lightness.

24. The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

Nora finds herself in The Midnight Library, a place between life and death. Her life has so far been filled with regret and misery, and letting all those around her down. But now she has the chance to change things around. The books in the library allow her to see what would have happened if she’d made different choices.

Helped by an old friend, she corrects all her past mistakes and tries to create the perfect life, but things are not always as she’d imagined. Before her time in the library runs out, she must answer the question – ‘what is the best way to live?’

25. The Swallow, the Owl and the Sandpiper: Words of Courage, Wisdom compiled by Claire Maitland

A collection of poetry, words and stories, this anthology is the perfect companion to your grief to dip in and out of on the hard days. The Swallow, the Owl and the Sandpiper would make a wonderful gift for yourself or a loved one going through loss. This book offers comfort and a chance to reflect.

26. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed

A number one New York Times bestseller, and now a film adaptation starring Reese Witherspoon, Wild follows Cheryl’s eleven-hundred mile walk along the West Coast of America. Aged 26 and following the loss of her mother from cancer, a crumbling marriage and a family in disarray, she makes an impulsive decision to hike alone in the hope of finding the answers on how to piece her life back together.

27. Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Someone Who’s Been There by Cheryl Strayed

Following on from her memoir Wild, the former agony aunt offers advice whilst answering a collection of letters from people who were confused, afraid or anxious. Her responses come from an array of personal experience of the good and the bad things in life, often with hilarious and heartbreaking moments mixed in. Creating the perfect guide to those who are struggling or feeling lost, Tiny Beautiful Things offers insight, compassion and above all absolute honesty.

28. When Life is Not Peachy: Real-life lessons in recovery from heartache, grief and tough times by Pip Lincolne

Written during a tough time in her own life, Pip Lincolne offers a gentle guide for processing and navigating the sad times in life – for those who are struggling themselves or offering support to a loved one.

She gives advice on how to eat and exercise when you don’t feel like it, working through relationships with family and friends, and how to keep yourself going when you’re feeling at your lowest. When Life is Not Peachy, it’s natural to question everything, but Pip hopes to provide a helping hand and travel the journey with you.

29. Wife, Widow, Now What?: How I Navigated the Cancer World and How You Can, Too by Rachel Engstrom

Aged only 28, Rachel’s husband Grayson was diagnosed with leukemia. The diagnosis changed both of their lives, as Rachel became ‘a cancer wife, manager, team cheerleader and expert juggler at life’, supporting her husband through his illness until he died just under three years later. She had to restart her life as a widow, with no guidebook on how to do this.

Wife, Widow, Now What? follows Rachel’s journey from her social media posts at the time, whilst also providing advice on how to navigate a cancer diagnosis, the treatment process, insurance, money, support for carers and all the emotions one goes through during this time. This book is the first of its kind to be written half as a memoir, and half a self-help book – along with the music she listened to that helped her through this difficult time.

30. Where are you Lydie? by Emma Poore

It’s Lydie’s birthday today but she’s not here. In this honest and heartfelt story two brothers go on an emotional journey to find a way to connect with their baby sister. Where are you Lydie? is a special picture book, sensitively written and illustrated for children between 3 and 7 years old.

It is a facilitative story and guide for young children and their parents to explore death and bereavement together and to start those difficult conversations or explore the questions that may come up after the death of a baby in a safe and inspiring space.

31. Good Mourning: Honest conversations about grief and loss

Sally and Imogen met after both losing their mother’s suddenly. This led them to launch their podcast Good Mourning, and write this book. Good Mourning is a compassionate survival guide for anyone dealing with grief, shining a light on the many ways grief can impact our lives. Along with expert advice from a clinical psychologist and warm words and insights from hundreds of others who’ve experienced grief, this book offers practical tips on coping with isolation and loneliness, navigating grief at work, managing milestones and so much more.

And there you have it – our community’s guide to the best books on grief. Let us know in the comments below what your favourite is.

Follow Untangle:

What is a eulogy?

Who should deliver a eulogy?

How to write a eulogy – 6 tips

1. Make it personal

2. Cover the essentials

3. Get personal stories from others

4. Consider the length

5. Make it honest

6. End on a touching note

Real eulogy examples

An example structure

Eulogy example for a parent

Eulogy examples for a sibling

Eulogy examples for a grandparent

Eulogy example for a friend

More eulogy examples

Quarter-Life Grief

Gaining independence

First Love

Launching a career

Navigating friendships

Getting married and having children

How do I know if I need grief counselling?

What type of therapy is used for grief?

1. Talking therapy

2. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)

3. Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy (EMDR)

4. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)

What do you talk about in grief counselling?

How do I get grief counselling?

So, how long does grief last?

What are the seven stages of grief after death?

How long does each stage of grief last?

What does grief do to your body?

How long does grief fatigue last?

How long does grief brain fog last?

How long does pet grief last?

Does grief last forever?

A note on complicated grief

What makes a good bereavement card?

Our tips:

What should you write in a bereavement card?

Examples

A short, simple message to acknowledge their grief.

Offering practical or emotional support can help a recently bereaved person feel less alone.

Religious messages

Personalised message

Where to find bereavement cards

On the high street

Supermarkets and convenience stores

Online greetings cards suppliers

Can an adult be an orphan?

What is orphan syndrome?

What does orphan syndrome in adults look like?

What does becoming an orphan in your 20s, 40s, 50s and beyond feel like?

How to cope with the loss of both parents?

Quotes about grief and memories:

Quotes about loss:

Quotes about grief:

Changing times

Don’t suffer alone

Complicated feelings

Marking time mindfully

Here for others

1. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

2. A Half Baked Idea by Olivia Potts

3. All At Sea by Decca Aitkenhead

4. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande

5. Bird Therapy by Joe Harkness

6. Cheer the F**k up by Jack Rooke

7. Everything Is Horrible and Wonderful: A Tragicomic Memoir of Genius, Heroin, Love and Loss by Stephanie Wittels Wachs

8. Finding Joy by Gary Andrews

9. Grief Is the Thing with Feathers by Max Porter

10. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

11. How to Grieve Like a Champ by Lianna Champ

12. Humankind: A Hopeful History by Rutger Bregman

13. It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine

14. Languages of Loss: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Through Grief by Sasha Bates

15. Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl