This is a video support group to talk about your experiences with other people who can relate. The session lasts for 1 hour and will be hosted by a member of the Untangle team.

What to expect:
This group will be structured so that everyone has an opportunity to share.
The host will welcome everyone and invite you to introduce yourself, if you would like.
There is about 40 mins of open conversation where you can share the things you find challenging and hear other people’s stories.
The last 10 mins are spent reflecting on good memories.
There is no pressure to talk, you can share as much or as little as you would like. You can keep your camera off if you prefer.

It’s normal to feel nervous before coming to your first group, so feel free to message the Untangle Team for more information.

This is a video support group to talk about your experiences with other people who can relate. The session lasts for 1 hour and will be hosted by a member of the Untangle team.

What to expect:
This group will be structured so that everyone has an opportunity to share.
The host will welcome everyone and invite you to introduce yourself, if you would like.
There is about 40 mins of open conversation where you can share the things you find challenging and hear other people’s stories.
The last 10 mins are spent reflecting on good memories.
There is no pressure to talk, you can share as much or as little as you would like. You can keep your camera off if you prefer.

It’s normal to feel nervous before coming to your first group, so feel free to message the Untangle Team for more information.

The Event

During this workshop, Lisa will create a space to bring people together, through storytelling about a lost loved one. Stories are a great way to connect with others, and telling stories about our loved ones can keep their memory, and your memories of them, alive. With Lisa’s guidance, you will have the opportunity to share all your favourite stories about your loved one with the group – their favourite song, favourite food, secret recipes – all while listening to and learning from others. Perhaps by sharing stories about our grief more openly and honestly, we can provide comfort to ourselves, and those around us.

 

To meet others who share a similar experience of loss, as well as access to our parent loss support group, join the Untangle app.
We’re all in this terrible club together.

Losing both of your parents, no matter what age you are, can be painful and scary. You may find that your family structure has suddenly changed and the people you’ve depended on for years aren’t there any more to support you. It can be exposing, vulnerable and lonely.

If you’ve heard terms like ‘adult orphan’, ‘double parental bereavement’ or ‘double parental loss’ being used to describe your situation, you may be wondering what this all actually means. ‘Adult orphan’ is not a term we usually like to use at Untangle, but we understand that you may have some questions around it. So we’ve put together a guide to help make things a little easier and less confusing. In this guide we’ll look into answering important questions like:

Our work at Untangle means that we’ve seen up close how there’s no universal way to experience grief. Going through something as defining and unique as losing both of your parents can be a very lonely thing to experience. You may have a partner, children or you may be surrounded by friends and family, but when both of your parents die, it’s very normal to feel a sudden and strong sense of loneliness.

Don’t forget, you’re not alone. In this guide we’ve added in a few ways to help you manage your grief and get through the hardest days, but if you’re looking to talk to people who are going through similar experiences, join our community here.

Can an adult be an orphan?

Yes. An adult can be an orphan.

When you think of an orphan, you’ll probably be thinking of someone under the age of 18 who has lost both of their parents. An adult, with real-life responsibilities like paying bills or having a full-time job or even having kids of their own, may not be the first image that comes to mind. 

In Emily Dean’s article ‘Things you only know if you’re an adult orphan’ she talks about how the word ‘orphan’  just feels strange when it’s used by an adult. As she says, “Orphans have tight, red 1970s perms and kindly wealthy benefactors. They don’t have mortgages and powerful anti-ageing creams”.

While the textbook definition of an orphan is a child who has lost both parents, adults can be considered orphans too. The word orphan has expanded broadly over time, so it can be used to describe anyone who has lost their biological parents.

The term ‘adult orphan’ is commonly used to describe someone who has lost both parents in adulthood

What is orphan syndrome?

Orphan syndrome is a psychological condition that can come from losing one or both parents. It’s not always caused by something physical, like your mum or dad (or both parents) dying, it can also be caused by an emotional loss of parents that comes through neglect or abandonment.

Orphan syndrome is sometimes known as ‘abandoned child syndrome’ when it’s seen in children. 

What does orphan syndrome in adults look like?

Orphan syndrome in adults is a type of anxiety. It can look different for everyone and it comes in many shapes and sizes. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to experience grief; grief can turn your world upside down, and it can impact our lives in very different ways.

Here are a few common signs of orphan syndrome in both adults and children:

People experiencing grief that’s caused by double parental loss, sometimes talk about something called ‘grief brain’. ‘Grief brain’ is what happens to your brain when you’re overloaded with feelings like sadness, loneliness and grief. It can affect your memory and concentration and lead to sleeping difficulties, anxiety and even migraines.

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and lonely after losing both of your parents. If you’re looking for support to help you through it, or to connect with people experiencing something similar, you can join our wonderful and supportive community here.  

What does becoming an orphan in your 20s, 40s, 50s and beyond feel like?

It can make you question your identity

Experiencing the loss of one parent is incredibly painful no matter what age you are, but going through double parental loss as an adult can bring on entirely new feelings of grief. Some people say that it causes a sudden questioning of your identity and your own mortality.

Caron Kemp lost both of her parents by the time she was 36. In an article written for Cosmopolitan, Caron describes the impact that losing both parents and becoming an ‘adult orphan’ had on her sense of identity. 

“I lost my identity as someone’s daughter, I lost the family and friends only connected to me through them, and I lost anything standing in the pecking order between me and my own demise”.

It can bring up old, buried feelings of grief

Losing both parents as an adult can also trigger feelings of grief you thought were behind you, and this can sometimes be latent grief for the first parent you lost. 

It’s a very human reaction to keep yourself busy after experiencing a significant loss, like the death of a parent. People often find that there’s so much going on and plenty of welcome distractions at first. Organising the funeral, notifying friends and family, sorting out their estate and will. The list goes on.

But once the dust settles, you may find you have more time to think about what’s happened, and that’s when we often see the grief start to sink in. It’s at this point that we see the loss of a second parent uncover feelings of grief for the loss of the first parent. These are often feelings that people may have thought they’d put behind them.

If you’re grieving the loss of one or both parents, you can chat to our team of experts for advice and grief support by joining our community here.  

It can make you feel lonely and that’s very normal

Our work at Untangle has shown us how people who have lost one parent often find support in others who have been through something similar. But people who have lost both parents can often feel very lonely and isolated.

Double parental loss changes your familial status, and this can be particularly isolating if you find yourself as an ‘adult orphan’ early in your adult life. 

Joel Golby wrote for the Guardian of his experience becoming an orphaned adult in his 20s, saying “instances of grief, I have found, are unique, two never coming in the same shape. There is no one single catch-all solution.”

There’s often an assumption that once you’ve dealt with grief once, you’ll know how it feels and understand how it works. You’ll have a list of tools and strategies and a support system to rely on. But each time you experience grief can actually feel very different from the other experiences you have. 

How to cope with the loss of both parents?

Coping with the loss of both parents is an incredibly difficult thing to go through. There’s no magic fix to help get rid of the pain and sadness that can come from being an orphaned adult. For some people, the grief of losing both parents comes as a shock. For others, it’s a slow and overwhelming realisation that things have changed.

“The loss of a second parent can mean the loss of the home you grew up in. It could mean the loss of rituals that have lasted a lifetime, the loss of habits and practises that have lasted for decades,” said Bella DePaulo, a social science researcher at the University of California at Santa Barbara who has written about the resulting loss when parents die.

We’ve put together a few ways to help you cope with double parental loss – it won’t take away the grief, but it’ll hopefully make things a bit easier.

Make time for your grief – your grief matters

Try not to dismiss your feelings or minimise your loss by telling yourself that your parents ‘had a good run’ or ‘it was their time to go’. These are often things we tell ourselves (or others) to help make death seem like a natural part of life. And while it may be true, sometimes saying things like this can undermine our very real feelings. 

Make time for your grief, whether you’ve lost your parents in your 20s or 60s. There’s a lot to take in and it’ll take some time for you to adapt.

Find ways to stay connected to your parents and to celebrate their lives

We’ve seen members of our community stay bonded to their parents through doing small things like supporting their parent’s favourite charity, making their favourite meal once a week, or visiting their favourite restaurant. 

Take time to listen to the music they loved, put up photographs of your parents around your house, bake a cake to celebrate their birthday and don’t be afraid to talk to family and friends about what they were like. Don’t forget, your loved ones want to support you through this grief, and you won’t be burdening them by opening up.

Be kind to yourself

Grief can manifest itself in physical and emotional ways; taking time to connect with both your body and what’s going on in your mind, is important. Try to move every day – whether it’s a walk, yoga, a run or even dancing in your room with the curtains closed. Practise self-compassion and kindness and celebrate the small wins in life.

Find a community that understands what you’re going through

No matter how hard your friends and family try to support you, becoming an orphan in adulthood is something that’s incredibly hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it themselves. Find a community of people who have gone through this too, so you can turn to them for support when you need it. Reach out to people you know from your friendship group or work who have recently lost a second parent, meet them for coffee and talk to them about how you feel.

There are also safe spaces on Instagram, like Orphan_ish and our own page, which both aim to normalise conversations around grief and loss. And of course, there’s our wonderful and supportive Untangle community where you can chat with people going through similar experiences and reach out for expert help.  

When relatives go into therapy or grief counselling together after a bereavement, it can help everybody discover precious pieces of their family’s life and heritage, says psychotherapist Anh Doan. 

What are the signs that therapy could work for my family?

It’s all about communication. When we’re hurting after a bereavement, we often act like wounded children and forget being adults. People start arguing over petty things and judging each other, asking: ‘Why didn’t they send flowers or a card?’ or ‘Why did they put a happy picture of themselves on Instagram’?

The family dynamic also changes when someone dies. For example, if mum was the one we’d all seek comfort from and rely on, we might want dad to play that role when she dies. And when he can’t, we get angry. 

If the person who died wasn’t very emotionally present, we might also realise we didn’t know them very well. That can leave us with a horrific feeling that we’ve lost something precious – important pieces of our family’s puzzle. 

How can grieving relatives benefit from doing therapy together?

When people die we can be left with lots of questions. Family therapists can facilitate important conversations that help relatives learn from each other, open up the photo albums and share precious stories. It’s a bit like digging for old coins and vases – it helps us discover the roots of our lives.

Culture plays a big part, especially for new generations. If your grandad was from Jamaica and now you’re a person of colour in the UK, you might realise you never got to ask him how it was to come here in the 1960s. 

If the relationship was terrible or the person who died hurt you, we can ask what you’d like to say to the person who has passed away and explore how to best support you now. This can help close old doors and open new ones. 

During this process people start to see life differently and relate better to each other, as well as to the person we’ve lost.

How can I encourage my relatives to join me in therapy?

There’s a stigma around mental health, but if you put it into physical injury terms people are often prepared to help. If your brother or daughter broke their ankle you’d be the first to call an ambulance.

With bereavement, sometimes all we can see is a grumpy or angry person, but they are in pain. And grief can trigger depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex trauma. So we need to give each other a hand emotionally too.

It’s also about bonding – a chance to connect with your heritage, your inner self, and your family. In this culture we often hide behind closed doors when we feel vulnerable, but we still crave being together. 

Family therapy is about everyone working together towards a common goal. People often agree to come when they see that everyone will gain. We always establish firm boundaries to make sure everyone respects and listens to each other.

What are the main differences between individual and family therapy for grief?

Systemic or family therapy focuses on how people see themselves within a wider dynamic. Even twins are different in terms of how they perceive their roles. 

For family grief counselling or therapy to work, everybody needs to commit to the same goal. It is a massive investment – time-wise, emotionally and financially – and a luxury because you usually have to pay privately. It’s much more complex than individual therapy but that doesn’t mean you can’t achieve it. 

Sessions last 60-90 minutes with a maximum of four people, usually immediate family. We can be flexible, for example, an individual might prefer to come alone before the rest of the family joins in. You also need a therapist robust enough to hold it together. 

Now with Covid, things can feel worse for people who are grieving, isolated and alone. But working on Skype and Zoom is working well, especially for families that are spread out across different countries.

Anh Doan is Head of Counselling at Talking Counselling, an Untangle partner organisation. Find your perfect grief therapist today

You are probably aware of the theory that after experiencing bereavement, we go through stages of grief. The well-known theory describes five stages, while others describe six, or seven stages. But, what if this widely accepted theory is merely a myth and there is no set grieving process at all? What if everyone grieves in their own way?

Here at Untangle, we believe that the long-standing stages of grief theory is misleading and unhelpful and fails to accurately represent how most people experience grief.

The Five Stages of Grief Theory

The 5 stages of grief model was developed by psychiatrist Kübler-Ross in 1969. Although grief models had been discussed before this time, it was Kübler-Ross’s theory that gained traction and made it into the public psyche.

The 5 stages of grief described in the model are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Over time, people came to think of the 5 stages of grief as the ‘correct’ way to grieve, believing that mourners must pass through each stage to complete the grieving process. In the years since its first publication, the theory has been debunked by many professionals. In fact, it’s reported that before her death, Kübler-Ross herself expressed regret at how her model was viewed. She said that it was never intended to suggest a linear progression through grief, but rather to explore the various reactions we might have after loss.

But despite her regret, the stages of grief myth persisted.

David Kessler: The Sixth Stage of Grief

Kessler is a death and grief expert who co-wrote two books with Kübler-Ross, as well as many  of his own books. One of his theories builds upon the 5 stages of grief to add a sixth stage: finding meaning. Kessler argues that after we pass through the grieving process, we can transform grief into peace and hope by finding meaning in our life.

Seven Stages of Grief

At various times over the years, others stages have been added to Kübler-Ross’s model, too. You might have heard of the 7 stages of grief, which adds ‘shock and disbelief’ as stage one, and ‘reconstruction’ before the final stage of ‘acceptance’. Just as with the 5-stage and 6-stage grief theories, this presents a rather linear process that we don’t think is true to life.

Other Theories

In more recent years, many counselling and bereavement experts have looked for other ways to describe our experience of grief. Most acknowledge that grief isn’t a linear process and that people experience it in different ways.

1. Tonkin’s model: Growing around Grief

Lois Tonkin is a grief counsellor who coined the term ‘growing around grief’ after counselling clients who had experienced loss. She describes that rather than grief disappearing over time, it stays roughly the same, and the life of a bereaved person grows around it as they have new experiences and begin to look forward. At times, that grief can feel just as painful as it did at the beginning, and at other times, it’s in the background.

2. Worden’s theory: Tasks of Mourning

William Worden, a psychology academic and child-bereavement expert, identified four ‘tasks’ that he says are an active part of grieving. He stresses that the tasks are not completed in a linear fashion and that people often return to each of the tasks at different times of their lives.

The fours tasks are:

3. Stroebe and Schut: The Dual Process Model of Coping

Stroebe and Schut’s Dual Process Model breaks down grief into loss orientation and restoration orientation. Loss involves recognising and accepting that the person has died and how that affects other areas of life such as friendships and finances. Restoration focuses on the moments we can put grief aside to rebuild a life without the person who died. People frequently move between the two as they grieve.

The Stages of Grief Myth: Why it matters

The stages of grief model has become so widely accepted that it influences our cultural beliefs and attitude towards supporting people who have experienced loss. These misconceptions not only impact our ability to offer good bereavement support, but also give the impression that if you’re not moving through the stages of grief then you’re not grieving properly.

A 2010 study found that the majority of undergraduate psychiatric nursing textbooks contain myths about the grieving process:

None of these statements is backed with evidence, but they are presented to psychiatric nursing students as fact. The fact that the stages of grief myth is perpetuated in these environments means that even our healthcare professionals are not taught how to handle grief effectively. 

Part of our passion at Untangle comes from recognising the gaps in the current bereavement support provision. We provide wellbeing support and practical help for our community of people who are rebuilding their lives after loss. And we understand that every grief experience is as unique as the person experiencing it.