One day, we’re all going to die. It’s an unavoidable fact of life, and something that many of us would prefer not to think too hard about. However, the truth is that preparing for death can make things easier for both yourself and those who love you. By getting your affairs in order, you can save them from added stress, while also making sure your wishes are heard.
If this is something you are currently thinking about, firstly, we hope you’re doing okay. Our therapy booking service is always there if you are going through a difficult time and need someone to talk to. We want to try and make end of life planning that little bit simpler for you or your loved one, which is why we’ve created this ‘getting your affairs in order’ checklist of practical tasks.
A lot of these steps you can take on your own, but don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. This may actually be wise, as it will mean someone knows exactly what preparations you’ve made. The list might look long and daunting, but many of these things you’ll already have lying around somewhere. It’s just a case of finding them, getting them together, and sharing them with the right people.
1. Write your last will and testament
The first practical thing many of us think about when preparing for a death is the will. This sets out what will happen to your estate and belongings when you die, who will carry out your wishes and, if you have children, who will look after them. You can write a simple will on your own or find templates on Google that you can fill in. Make sure, when you choose an executor, it is someone you trust to act fairly and do exactly as you ask. We then recommend contacting a solicitor to read over your will, provide any feedback, and ensure the final document is legally binding. This is something we at Untangle may be able to help you with, so do reach out if you’re looking for the right solicitor for you.
2. Communicate your funeral wishes
If you know there is a certain song you want played or ritual carried out at your funeral, tell the person or people who would be responsible for planning the day. Maybe you want everyone to wear a certain colour, or there’s a reading you’d like them to listen to. Whatever your funeral wishes are, write them down and pass them on to someone you trust. This isn’t just for your own peace of mind; it’s helpful for your loved ones too. They won’t have to guess or wonder (or argue over!) what you might have wanted when the time comes. Dying Matters and the National Association of Funeral Directors have created a ‘My Funeral Wishes’ leaflet, which you can print out and fill in if you need some help with ideas.
3. Document all of your passwords
So much of our lives is stored on phones and computers these days, which means that, chances are, your loved ones will need access to your devices at some point. Note down all of your passwords – including any for online banking, bill paying, emails, etc. – or better yet, use a password managing service to store them all in one place. 1Password keeps them all together, and lets you share with friends and family in a few taps. It’s completely safe (with plenty of security measures in place), but makes it easy to give people the access they need.
4. Share locations for important paperwork
Two of the most important documents you can share with your loved ones are your life insurance policy and your pension details – but these can often be overlooked while people focus on the will. So, make sure you gather them up and place them in one location in your home, then tell your loved ones where they can find all the paperwork they need. Other documents and financial details to add in are:
Debts you might owe, including mortgage statements, utility bills in your name, leases, educational loan statements and other unpaid bills.
An outline of all bank accounts and credit cards you own.
Your birth certificate and (if you have one) marriage certificate.
Life insurance documents, including mortgage cover.
Any paperwork related to your property, including mortgage agreements and property deeds or leases.
Relevant statements from Jobs & Benefits Offices (for benefits) and/or the Pension Service.
Existing valuations of expensive items, such as jewellery or artwork.
PAYE form P60 if you are employed or recent tax calculations and returns if you are self-employed.
Organ donor card.
Passport, driving licence and any relevant membership cards.
Place them all in a clearly labelled folder to make things even simpler for the person looking for them.
5. Make a list of who needs to be told
Those closest to you will probably know who to contact after you’ve passed away, but if you have some old friends you think they might forget, make sure to write their names and numbers down. This can go in the same folder as your important documents – just make sure someone knows it’s there.
6. Consider your social media accounts
There’s no denying that social media has become a big part of our lives, so you may want to have an end of life plan in place for your Instagram, Facebook and Twitter accounts. Perhaps you just want them removed entirely, or maybe you want someone to create a post for you. Whatever the case, this is another thing to share with those closest to you. In your Facebook settings, you can even choose a ‘legacy contact’ to look after your account after you pass away or request that your account is removed once someone confirms your death.
7. Make sure your car isn’t parked on the road
Your car insurance policy becomes invalid as soon as you have passed away, so if your car is parked on a road, nobody will be legally able to move it. Start making sure it’s parked up properly so it can’t become a problem later on.
8. Ensure the executor has enough money
It will be up to the executor of your will to gather money from your estate and pay off any debts and home bills that come through. However, they can only get money out of the estate when the grant of probate has been issued, which means they may need some funds up front to cover essential costs. Try to come to an arrangement that will ensure they have enough money to pay off those bills, as even the most straightforward estates can take months to process. Alternatively, the executor may be able to get help from a solicitor, who can contact creditors on their behalf and advise on how and when payment will be made.
9. Arrange a home for your pet(s)
If you live with just your pet(s), you’ll want them to go to a loving home; somewhere you know they’ll be taken care of and given all the care and attention they deserve. Think carefully about who you would want to look after them after you have gone. Someone they already have a relationship with would be perfect, as they’re likely to settle in much quicker. You could also register for the RSPCA’s Home for Life, and they will arrange a home for your pet on your behalf. There’s paperwork involved here so, again, make sure your pet’s plan is kept with all your other documents.
10. Check if there’s anything you want to get rid of
As well as things you’ll want to gather, there might be things you want to get rid of, too. That slightly embarrassing teenage journal comes to mind! This is just a friendly reminder to go through your belongings and check there’s nothing that makes you cringe too hard. (But don’t worry too much; the people who love you won’t judge those old ‘Dear Diary’ entries.)
In the early days and weeks after a bereavement, the process of planning a funeral can feel quite overwhelming. There can be difficult decisions to make, including honouring the wishes of the person who has died, which type of funeral service to choose, and whether to opt for burial or cremation. It can help you know what to expect, so you can make decisions that are right for you and your family.
What are my options for planning a funeral?
You will have a choice between a religious or non-religious funeral service. Anyone can legally conduct a funeral or memorial service, although a member of the clergy will usually officiate a religious ceremony, and a civil celebrant will usually officiate a non-religious ceremony (also known as a humanist ceremony).
The funeral service is followed by either a burial or cremation. Often, the person who has died will have expressed a preference for one or the other when they were alive. If not, you may wish to abide by certain religious beliefs and cultural values to help you decide.
If you have a special place where you would prefer to remember your loved one, that may influence your decision on whether to choose a burial or cremation. With a burial, there is a grave to visit and maintain. After a cremation, the ashes are returned to the family for them to keep at home or scatter at a meaningful location.
What happens at a burial?
After the funeral service, the mourners will assemble at the graveside for the burial. The grave will be prepared and ready before you arrive. A short ceremony takes place, usually led by a religious leader or celebrant. It can involve readings and prayers at the graveside. When the time comes, the casket or coffin is lowered into the ground by nominated family bearers or funeral directors. Mourners are invited to throw flowers or scatter soil onto the coffin as a final goodbye. Some people might choose to stay at the graveside for quiet reflection after the ceremony.
What happens at a cremation?
A cremation is held at a designated crematorium. Sometimes the funeral service itself is held in the crematorium, or it can take place in a religious venue. You will arrive at the crematorium at your designated time slot, and as the service starts, sometimes you will follow behind the coffin to enter the chapel and take a seat.
The moment of taking the body away for cremation is called the committal. You will be asked beforehand whether you prefer curtains to be left open, or to close in front of the coffin as it is committed. Once the coffin is taken out of view, mourners are invited to view the flowers left in memory of the person who has died before going to attend a reception or gathering.
What can I expect when planning a funeral?
As you are in the very early days and weeks of coping with grief, it’s normal to feel apprehensive and overwhelmed at the thought of planning the funeral. Go easy on yourself during this time and spend some time preparing yourself emotionally.
Your chosen funeral director can guide and support you throughout the funeral planning, including advising of the options available within your budget. They can help make sure all the necessary paperwork is completed, provide appropriate transport to and from the funeral, arrange music for the ceremony, recommend and liaise with a florist, and much more.
Following a bereavement, the stress of planning a funeral can sometimes cause conflict between family members. It can help to resolve tensions by thinking about what the person who has died would have wanted and following any instructions in the Will. You could also get an impartial opinion from your funeral director, who will have experience in supporting grieving relatives.
What else do I need to know?
The estate of the deceased can cover the costs of the funeral. The person responsible for the estate administration (usually named in the Will) will have access to the funds once probate has been completed, a process that can take several months.
A funeral service is usually held within 2-3 weeks of death in the UK, but there can be some delay if a coroner’s inquest or post-mortem is ordered.
How can I give my loved one the best send-off?
Funerals can bring together distant relatives or friends not seen for years, and in some ways, it can be comforting to know that you have all come together for the same reason: to celebrate the life of the person you loved.
You can personalise the funeral service to reflect the tastes and personality of the person who has died. Maybe you could arrange for their favourite song to play or ask mourners to wear a bright colour instead of black.
The wake is an opportunity to celebrate the life of the person who has died; to raise a toast to them and share memories and stories. Some people like to display photographs around the venue or arrange a video slideshow of happy memories. You can plan the wake in any way you choose, and after the heaviness of the day, people are often ready to give the person who has died a good send-off.
There is no escaping the fact that the funeral will be hard, but finding ways to alleviate your nerves and process your thoughts and feelings can help you feel ready to face it. We want to share a few ways you can emotionally prepare yourself in the run up to a funeral.
Be kind to yourself
The lead up to a funeral is often a particularly stressful and upsetting part of the grieving process. The practical aspects of funeral preparation and the worry about how you’ll feel on the day can be overwhelming while you’re coping with grief. It’s completely natural to feel apprehensive about attending a funeral. If you had a close relationship with the person who has died, you might have intense waves of grief that can sometimes be quite overwhelming. Worrying about how you’ll manage your feelings and whether you’ll ‘hold it together’ on the day of the funeral can bring added pressure.
Be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much. It’s normal to cry and express sadness at a funeral, and no one will expect you to hold it all in. You might find it comforting to share your grief and memories of the person who has died with other mourners. In a recent survey, our community members said that hearing other people’s stories about the deceased was one of the things they like most about funerals. It’s also important to know that there is no ‘right way’ to grieve. You might feel numb at times, and that can be a normal part of the grieving process, too.
Accept offers to help
After a loss, the people around you will often pull together to support you in any way they can. This could be with practical help, such as taking responsibility for part of the funeral preparation, or by simply being there for you as a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Accepting offers of help can give you the time and headspace to process your thoughts and focus on emotionally preparing for the funeral.
Along with offers of support from family and friends, you might find that some colleagues, neighbours and acquaintances also want to help with funeral preparations. Don’t worry about bothering someone or being a nuisance – people are offering help because they want to be there for you. Contributing to the funeral in some way may also help them in their grieving process. Often, people want to help but don’t know how. They may well be grateful to be given specific things to do. Read our advice for planning a funeral for some suggestions of which tasks you can delegate.
When you look back at this time, it can be comforting to remember the people around you who reached out and were there to support you when you needed them.
Don’t numb your feelings
Waves of grief can be uncomfortable and intense, but dealing with them as they come, rather than pushing them away, can help the grieving process in the long run. Burying your emotions can impact your mental and physical health over time.
Try to resist numbing your feelings with alcohol or drugs. Unhealthy or harmful coping mechanisms only mask your feelings and will very likely make you feel worse. If you’re struggling to process your feelings around your loss, you might want to consider bereavement counselling.
Consider joining a support group
If you think you may find comfort from meeting other people going through a similar experience to you, we host in-person and online grieving groups that bring together people who are coping with loss. These can be particularly helpful for people who have experienced an unexpected, complex, or traumatic bereavement, such as losing a child. Some grief groups are run by counsellors, therapists, or other professionals who can offer specialist bereavement support.
Take advice from the funeral director
You might feel that fear of the unknown is one of the most upsetting parts of preparing for a funeral. What will happen on the day? What if something goes wrong? What if I go to pieces? This is where a good funeral director is invaluable. Most good funeral directors will walk you through the steps and timings of the day, so you know what to expect. They work hard behind the scenes to make sure the day runs smoothly, so you can focus on saying goodbye to your loved one. You can find a funeral director through our funeral booking service.
Preparation is key
When attending a funeral, the little things can become big things if you leave them until the last minute. It’s best to be organised and ready, so you don’t have any decisions to make or jobs to do on the day.
Choose your outfit and make sure it’s ready to wear
Plan what you’ll have for breakfast
Delegate tasks to family and friends so you don’t have to remember anything on the day
Double check with the funeral director that nothing is outstanding
Being organised can help to relieve nerves and will prevent any last-minute panic on the day. If you plan to read a eulogy or reading at the service, it can be a good idea to practice at home beforehand. You may become emotional when reading some parts, and it can be good to get some of this emotion out at home. You might still get upset when speaking on the day, and that’s ok; don’t put pressure on yourself to hold it all in.
One of the most challenging parts of funeral planning is writing a fitting tribute to your loved one.
How can you find the words to capture just how much your friend or family member means to you? It’s harder still because you’re grieving, so emotions are running high, concentration is low, and the pressure may be overwhelming. That’s why we’ve created this guide on how to write a eulogy, complete with examples to get you started.
A eulogy is a short speech given at a funeral or memorial service for a person who has died. The tradition originates from ancient Greece, and the word literally means “praise”. The key is to write the eulogy in a way that does their life justice and respects their loved ones’ memories and feelings of grief.
Who should deliver a eulogy?
Speaking about someone who has died in front of their family and friends is a courageous thing to do. If you feel daunted by the prospect, ask people around you for support. While a close relative or friend usually writes the funeral speech, it can also be delivered by an official, such as a religious leader. Do what feels right and keep it flexible. For example, if you want to write the eulogy but worry about breaking down in tears, ask someone else to be on standby to read it for you if need be.
How to write a eulogy – 6 tips
1. Make it personal
Introducing yourself in relation to the person you are remembering can be a good place to start. Describe what they meant to you, and what qualities defined them in your eyes. This will establish a connection with other people at the service and put you in the picture for those who might not know you very well.
2. Cover the essentials
When thinking about how to write a eulogy, it’s a good idea to structure it with a beginning, a middle and an end. And while it is not the same as an obituary, it usually includes brief aspects of the late person’s life, such as their early beginnings, their education and career, and particular skills, achievements or interests. Saying something specific about their family life, and mentioning their partner and/or children by name, can feel particularly important to their closest relatives.
3. Get personal stories from others
Just like our relationships with a particular person differ, so do our feelings about them when they die. To make sure you write a good eulogy that will feel meaningful to others, ask a few close friends or relatives to contribute by sharing a favourite memory, personal story, or anecdote. A range of perspectives will enrich your speech and help strike the right tone right with your audience. You might also discover a true gem in the process, like a beautiful quote that perfectly captures your loved one’s personality, qualities, and quirks.
4. Consider the length
How long should a eulogy be? Some funeral speeches are very brief and there are no set rules for length, but 3-5 minutes is common. Make it long enough to properly honour the person and say what needs to be said, in proportion to the rest of the funeral service. To get it right, try reading it out loud a few times while timing yourself and editing accordingly.
5. Make it honest
It is possible to talk about someone’s achievements and qualities without glorifying them and mention shortcomings or disappointments in a kind and accepting way. None of us are perfect, and we remember those we have lost in all their human complexity. Follow your instincts, even using some gentle humour if it feels right and relevant. And if you’re not sure, ask someone else for their honest feedback before you finalise your eulogy.
6. End on a touching note
Ending a eulogy on the right note can be tricky. One option is to finish with a poem or quote that feels consoling and meaningful, even if it happens to come from a movie such as Pretty Woman or Lord of the Rings! You might find inspiration in famous eulogies, such as Matthew’s tribute to his partner Gareth in Four Weddings and a Funeral, Oprah Winfrey’s speech for Rosa Parks, Mona Simpson remembering her brother Steve Jobs, or in books and online quote collections.
Eulogy examples
An example structure
With the tips above, a ‘template’ for your loved one’s eulogy starts to come together. But if you’re not quite sure how to structure it, here’s a framework you can follow when you start writing:
Introduction:
Give a brief background on the person who has died. Mention any nicknames they might have had; talk about their work or the things that were most important to them.
Mention your relationship to them and what they meant to you and others.
Talk about some of their best qualities and values they held dear.
Mid-section:
You might want to include an anecdote here. Depending on the tone, you could make this funny, heart-warming, and/or even inspirational.
Dive deeper into the things they cared about most: this could be family, friends, a pet or even a hobby.
Cover their biggest accomplishments or life events. If they have a partner and/or kids, talk about them. You could even speak directly to them in parts.
Capture what that person meant to others. This would be a good place to add personal stories or short quotes from their friends and family members.
Closing:
Start closing the eulogy with a final takeaway, whether it’s a saying your loved one often used or something that ties back to the eulogy’s overall theme.
At this point, you could speak directly to the loved one you have lost, and tell them ‘thank you’ and that you love them.
You could also thank those at the funeral or memorial service for being there, and remind them how much your loved one admired them all.
Think about ending with a quote, a poem, or a lyric from your loved one’s favourite song. You can keep it short and meaningful, a touching end to a funeral speech.
What your mother or father meant to you and your siblings
What they did both for your family and a living
How they raised you and the values they passed on
Funny stories or touching memories that you’ll always remember
Something they once told you or a saying they had
The people who meant the most to them
Example eulogy:
My dad was my hero. No matter how busy things got, he always made time for the people he cared about, and showed us that family always comes first – no matter what. Everyone who knew him knew how proud he was of the people he loved, of his dog, Buddy, and of his car… of course. You never had to ask what he was doing on a Sunday – he’d be outside washing the car again.
I’m going to miss my dad so much, but I’m grateful for the wonderful memories I have of him. The happy trips to Cornwall when we were kids, the walks we used to go on, even just sitting on the sofa watching TV together. He made everything fun, and he knew just how precious our time on Earth is. He was always reminding me and my sisters to “enjoy life”, and that’s what he did, every day.
I know a lot of you will be feeling as heartbroken as I am right now, and I also know that if there was anything my dad wanted me to say today, it’s this: thank you, to all of you. Everyone sitting here today meant so much to him; his work friends, his childhood friends, his whole family. He often talked about how lucky he was to have you all. I hope he knew how lucky we were to have him too. I love you Dad, thank you for being the best father we could have ever hoped for.
What your mother or father meant to you and your siblings
What they did both for your family and a living
How they raised you and the values they passed on
Funny stories or touching memories that you’ll always remember
Something they once told you or a saying they had
The people who meant the most to them
Example eulogy:
There will never be enough words to sum up my big sister. She was funny, kind, smart, determined… In the eyes of me and my parents, she lit up every room she walked into. [Name] threw herself at every opportunity – she never did anything by halves. When she was 21, she signed up for the marathon because she’d seen some running shoes she liked – and, of course, she smashed it. When she was 26, she went to the dog shelter ‘just to take a look’, and came home with two pups, Charlie and Bubbles, who adored her.
So it was no surprise that she took so naturally to becoming a mum. I can’t describe the joy of seeing [Name] raise her two girls – my two favourite people – with the same care and kindness she had always shown me as her little sister. They were her pride and joy, and there is so much of [Name] in both of them. They share her generosity, fierce loyalty, flawless sense of style, and quick wit. [Kids’ names], I know nothing will ever erase the heartbreak of losing your mum, but I hope you know that we are all here for you always.
[Name] was also a brilliant friend. She knew anyone and everyone. Sometimes it felt like there was nowhere we could go where she wouldn’t bump into at least one person who saw how brilliant she was. People were drawn to her, and her passion for life. But no matter how many friends she made, she’d never be without her best ones: Amy and Scott. She loved you both so much, and your wild stories will live on forever.
[Name], thank you for everything. For being the life of the party, for always knowing how to make us all laugh, and for showing us how to live life to the fullest. There will never be a day we don’t miss you, but we’ll carry your love wherever we go, and your girls will never stop hearing stories about their magical mum.
Your grandmother or grandfather’s life and the people they loved
Their personality, their humour and their values
The role they played in your upbringing
Heartwarming memories of time spent with them
Example eulogy:
There was nobody funnier or more quick-witted than my grandmother. She was a force of nature who never failed to surprise people with her sharp one-liners and her teasing sense of humour. But she was also incredibly warm and kind. I’ll never forget our visits, Frank Sinatra playing in her living room, bowls of sweets on every surface, and her asking me, “so, what’s the latest gossip?”
She loved to chat, travel and see friends. Nan had a more active social life than anyone I know, and was always the ‘hostess with the mostest’, finding literally any reason to throw a party. Her love for her family was such a gift; something that my brother, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles and I were so lucky to experience every day.
But Nan’s love for people didn’t just stay in her family. She was extremely charitable, hosting fundraisers, volunteering at charity shops, and offering help to anyone in need. When our grandad passed, she dedicated so much of her time TO raising money for the hospice that looked after him, as well as the RNLI in tribute to his time as a lifeguard.
My nan and grandad’s love is something my brother, cousins and I all aspire to. Their adoration for one another was clear, and I can still hear them singing together in the kitchen. I like to think that now they’re finally back together again, having a song and a dance and big knees up. We love you Nan – thank you for everything.
How you met your friend and what your first impressions were
What made them such a wonderful friend
Their passions and hobbies
Their other friends and family
Funny stories or memorable anecdotes
Example eulogy:
I’ll never forget the first time I met [Name]. I’d just moved into our halls at uni and found him in the kitchen, wearing nothing but a towel, panicking because he’d flooded his shower on day one. I quickly realised that these kinds of mishaps followed him pretty much everywhere, from the time he turned up at the airport three weeks late for a flight, to when his dog really did eat his coursework. There was always a story with [Name].
But beneath the constant jokes, mayhem and penchant for Hawaiian shirts, [Name] had the best heart. He was a true friend who backed all of us – even when we were definitely in the wrong! [Name] was the first person who called me when my dad passed away, the most dedicated best man at 3(!) of our friends’ weddings, and when he found [partner’s name], he became the most devoted boyfriend and fiancé.
Anyone who knew [Name] knew how much he adored [partner’s name], how strong his bond was with his brothers, and how he loved nothing more than a hungover Sunday roast at his parents’ house. We’ll all miss him terribly, but it’s impossible not to smile when we think of him. [Name], you were a true friend. We’ll keep on making mischief in your honour.
More eulogy examples
The short eulogy examples above will have hopefully given you some inspiration on how you can structure your loved one’s funeral speech or the kinds of things you can talk about. We also wanted to share some well-known examples to give you extra ideas to work with. Here are a few that have stuck with us, and might help you too:
For more advice and to connect with others who share a similar experience of loss, download the Untangle Grief app.
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